According to one developmental theory (Erikson‘s Stages of Life Cycle) we have a "task" that goes along with each life stage. It is necessary, according to Erikson, for us to complete each task before we can successfully move on to and complete the next stage. Nonetheless, life does move on and, if we have not been able to complete one of more tasks, the losses may haunt us until we come to terms with them.

For persons approaching the end of life, the last stage is referred to as "Integrity vs. Despair"; the task is to resolve or bring into balance our feelings of accomplishment with those of incompletion and loss. This implies that we will experience a sense of fulfillment as we approach the end of life (integrity) or, alternately, we will believe it is too late to do anything about the negative feelings around our losses (despair). And, while many seniors do have a healthy sense of accomplishment, others lack at least some measure of satisfaction with the way life has turned out. Unfortunately, this "lack" is too often translated as failure, as though life were a pass-fail exam.

As I see it, there are two reasons why we might reach this stage in life and believe that we are to some extent a failure: either our own definition of what success in life means or the definition of others that we believe to be valid is faulty. First let’s look at the definitions that we receive from others.

The American dream is to have reached old age in relatively good health with financial and social resources to meet basic needs plus a few "wants" besides. Popular culture reflects our views of this, even though these views are distorted, full of caricatures that are mostly oversimplified fantasy.

So, with age, we begin to assess our lives, and we may not measure up to these standards. We experience the very real limitations imposed by age and we become disappointed with the disparity between the fantasy and the reality.

This imbalance is felt even more keenly because of society‘s emphasis on youth. The advertising and marketing fields are legendary in their emphasis on the young, but this is also true in education, entertainment, travel, sports, and business. And, even though there have been positive changes in recent years as the elderly become more prevalent in the population, the public’s interest in the elderly and their problems lags behind its interest in those in their "productive" years. Seniors suffer from underemployment and humiliation, for example, as their skills and experience are for the most part devalued in an economy that favors mass production over quality of performance.

Those in the sexual minorities (as among other minorities) feel and are in reality marginalized to an even greater degree as they and their life styles diverge from that of the majority.

Too, lacking as many GLBTs do a sense of "generational transition," both individually and as community, the awareness that life is coming to a close is felt particularly powerfully. This is so because the end of life can take on greater meaning for them as they believe that nothing is much affected or changed by their presence and now by their passing. Life will be truly over, and at some point as they approach becoming older they become acutely aware of this.

And, if the elderly person is isolated due to lack of family or community, so much the worse, for there are few programs to reach out to GLBTs who are experiencing end of life issues, including resources, of course, but isolation itself as well.

On a personal level, the elderly among the sexual minorities may suffer from internalized homo-ageism as well, the acceptance by a member of this minority of his or her own "failure" as an individual and as a member of society. Perhaps previously having experienced a sense of separation from the norm, such individuals may turn their disappointment inward, blaming themselves for their own psychological and social pain. The acceptance of personal blame for not being "good enough" to deserve the respect of others as well as healthy self-respect, can result in depression or other mental illness. Such a person may give up, and even suicide becomes an option. Suicide among elderly males peaks following retirement, and it is unlikely that these are different for sexual minorities.

So, for everyone who experiences the normal developmental challenges of aging, remaining optimistic about the future and maintaining mental health into the later years is a challenge in itself. Decreases in mental and physical abilities do not happen in a vacuum, and most of the elderly are intensely aware of this. Coping with their effects takes energy that might in earlier years been devoted to other pursuits.

Yet the elderly in my experience are for the most part able to deal with the many adversities of growing older. They do so with grace and good humor.

I recently ran into "Helen," a woman in her eighties who was out when being out was definitely not "cool." She was a bag lady when I first encountered her, and she remains impoverished, and is physically disabled as well. Yet when I recently met her after years of separation, she smiled broadly and reminded me of our first meeting on a dance floor some thirty years ago. Though affected by short term memory loss, she continues to access that part of her that refuses to see herself as less than she ever was: a warm, caring, person who draws others to herself and who is experiencing life as rewarding as ever.

So, life even on the far edge is what you make of it. By accessing the positive events in life and remaining open to processing earlier events that caused and now may be causing problems—as is true throughout life—we can remedy the "incomplete" developmental tasks and enjoy a more rewarding and satisfactory life.