CAMP Talk

A neighbor stopped me on the street the other morning. "When are you and John flying to San Francisco?" she asked enthusiastically. "I want to see you guys on television." A couple of nights later, a heterosexual friend e-mailed us. "Are you guys going to San Francisco to get hitched?"

Now that thousands of gay people in San Francisco hold government-issued marriage licenses (plus some in Oregon, New Mexico and New Paltz), and thousands more are lining up in Massachusetts eager to acquire the same, the pressure is on the rest of us to get with the program.

It used to be that eager parents and family members tried to push queer folks into opposite-sex weddings. "When are you going to meet a nice girl and settle down?" Auntie would begin grilling her bachelor nephew at about age 19, never letting up until he was on Social Security. The ceaseless questions, a nuisance to young straight people, could (and still can) seriously rattle closeted gay folks who have no intention of tying a knot with a person of another gender ever.

By climbing out of our closets, most of us thought that such irrelevant inquiries would be put to rest once and for all. "Oh, that’s why you’re not married," Auntie would say with a sigh. "I always wondered about you."

But now, thanks to all the highly publicized gay weddings from California to Canada, well-meaning aunties, parents and busybodies are again positing that age-old proposal to the queers in their life. "So, Susie, when are you and Kathy going to get married?"

Not so fast, Auntie. We don’t all feel an urgent need to rush to the altar, even those of us who believe we have every right to do so.

It’s not just that some of us are uncomfortable emulating an institution that traditionally has been so completely heterosexual, but there are consequences to a civil marriage that don’t always make life easier on the participants.

Be careful what you want, the old saw goes, because you just might get it. With each new right we gain come new responsibilities and a lot of gay couples, particularly those who have been together only a short time, may not be ready to deal with them.

When California broadened its domestic-partnership law last year, the legislation extended the legal rights of gay and lesbian partners to include community-property settlements, alimony, child support, and the prerogative of one partner not to testify against the other in a court of law. I’m for all of the above, but before registering as legal domestic partners or being married by a magistrate, gay couples might consider the comments of a gay man, we’ll call him Peter, who spoke with The San Francisco Chronicle about his legal partnership with his lover of seven years, Paul.

"Up until this point, Paul’s debts were his debts, and my debts were my debts," Peter said. "If he bought something I didn’t agree with, I could say, ‘OK, they’re on his credit card. It’s not going to affect me.’ But now we have a new situation."

Interpersonal friction can result from such a situation, in which a partnered couple may have to borrow from Peter to pay Paul’s debts. In a legal marriage, the two men’s possessions, as well as their financial obligations, are treated as matters of community property, which means that Peter becomes liable for the bill even if he despises that gas-guzzling Hummer Paul went out and financed on a whim one day. Likewise, if Peter defaults on his child-support payments for his daughter or the alimony he owes his former wife, Paul could be required to pick up the bill.

After seven years with Paul, Peter is confident that the rewards of a legally sanctioned relationship will far outweigh its disadvantages. "If I want to feel like a full-fledged citizen, I have to accept both the responsibilities and the benefits," he said.

It is, however, important for same-sex lovers to look before leaping. We should be as certain as humanly possible of our long-term commitment to one another before taking on the kind of shared responsibilities that married heterosexuals must contend with. Just because you’ve been with that hot number for six sensuously rewarding weeks now doesn’t mean you’re ready to sign on the dotted line as domestic or wedded mates. If you do, you’re likely to go from tying the knot to quelling knots in your stomach in no time flat.

And, wouldn’t you hate to pick up a newspaper one morning in the not-too-distant future and read that more gay couples are getting divorced than heterosexual ones? If the Bush administration truly wants to protect the sanctity of marriage, it ought to espouse a Constitutional amendment outlawing divorce.

The right of gay people to marry and, unfortunately, divorce will eventually become the norm of the land. But, holy moonshine, to get there we’re going to have to wage the first big civil-rights battle of the 21st century: a fight against a Constitutional prohibition. Of course, we all know how well the ban on alcoholic beverages the only previous Constitutional amendment to deny rights to citizens worked out. During its brief tenure, Americans drank as much, if not more than ever.

And, the more the federal government insists that gay people not be allowed to marry, the more many of us will become determined to get hitched even those of us who believe that strong domestic-partnership status would suffice. Maverick mayors and city hall clerks throughout the land will continue to issue clandestine marriage licenses, and guerrilla weddings will take place in speakeasy-like chapels in the backrooms of bars and churches.

The situation could lead to something of a civil war, with true conservatives, who believe that the government should stay out of everyone’s personal lives, leading the charge. Already, the national Log Cabin Republicans organization has made headlines by terming President Bush’s endorsement of the marriage amendment a "declaration of war on gay and lesbian Americans."

As some politicians would say, "Bring it on!" Even many of us who have not felt the need for a license are ready for a big old marital spat. And, however we have to do it, rice will be hurled!