Weekend Beach Bum 

A Handy Guide to Becoming a Fabulous Drag Queen

Last month’s column A Handy Guide to Defending Gay Marriage received such response, I thought I’d offer another guide. My blood pressure was through the roof as I thought about the Pat Robertsons, the Rick Santorums, and the George Bushes of this world, babbling thoughtlessly against LGBT rights. Besides, my alter ego Anita came out to play three times this past weekend, and I still have drag on the brain. So I thought I’d lighten things up and publish this Handy Guide to Becoming a Fabulous Drag Queen. Much like gay marriage, this is a huge concern for many gay people. Let it serve as an enlightening introduction to the wonderful world of bright baubles and big hair. Or just hang on to it until Halloween when you transform yourself into Cher, Madonna, Diana Ross, or Goddess forbid, Elvira.

The zenith of beauty is really all about the face. It’s taken me eight years to learn how to "paint" as well as I do, and I learn new things all the time. But first things first. Covergirl does NOT cover boy. Liquid foundation is a no-no. I prefer Max Factor PanStick, a tube of solid foundation in a twist-up tube. After coating your face and neck with this great stuff, blend it and cover liberally with powder. You can use just about any kind of powder. You could probably use all-purpose flour if that’s the only powder-like substance you have lying around, but save the baking soda for grandma’s cookies. You don’t want your face to rise under the hot lights of the stage. I use baby powder. It lasts, it’s inexpensive, and contrary to popular belief, I assure you that no one will feel the urge to diaper your face.

Next, you want to "shade" your face, blending in brown or red at certain angles to give your mug a more feminine shape. In his book Making Faces, the late, great make-up genius Kevyn Aucoin details this important step superbly. Then it’s on to the eyebrows. I pluck mine (to death). Some of my sisters shave their eyebrows off completely. You may also contemplate covering them with mustache wax or Elmer’s glue stick before applying your foundation, but chunks of glue can begin falling off your face during your finale, and you end up looking like a leperous clown. If you’re doing drag as a one-time shot for a costume party or Halloween, just pencil in over your eyebrows as they are and avoid the hassle. But if you plan to start entertaining or you want to be passable when you meet your closeted boyfriend’s parents, I’d suggest touching-up your boy brow with tweezers, waxing, or just pull out a rusty old Bic.

The eyes have it when it comes to a beautiful face. Line them generously with dark brown or black. Liquid eyeliner is my favorite, as it lends a truly dramatic effect. If you want the look to last for the weekend, try a Sharpie marker. I’ve never used one, but feel free to give it a whirl and let me know. The key to opening up your eyes is in the crease line. That’s the part of your eyelid that rests at the top of your eyeball. A black crease line, extending to the corner of the eye, will give your peepers that BANG you’ve been looking for. Above the crease line, fill in with a red, purple, or brown, and put some white just below the brow. Then, blend, blend, blend! Drag queens who don’t blend come out looking like a Rainbow Brite shrinky-dink, and this is probably not the look you’re going for. Finish up with a dark cheek (no cotton candy pink, please!); lined, lucious lips; false eyelashes (don’t forget mascara to blend your falsies into your real lashes!); and liquid eyeliner to add a beauty mark or two.

Next, choose an outfit that is appropriate for your body. Big girls are beautiful, but no one wants to see two pigs fighting under a sequin blanket. If you’re already over six feet, don’t clunk around in seven-inch platforms and green boas and look like you’re pushing peas. A waist cincher is a great way to give yourself an hourglass shape. Don’t rule out a trip to the hardware store for duct tape to give yourself more cleavage than Dolly Parton and foam padding for the J.Lo booty. Whether you choose an elegant gown, a fun cocktail dress, or an over-the-top costume piece, make sure it’s got some sparkle. Sequins and beading will have all eyes on you. Your jewelry should sparkle, too. Why not hit the town dripping in rhinestones? Just remember that no one—not even Mr. Roper—likes Mrs. Roper’s jewelry. Plant your feet in three to five inch pumps with a proper fit to avoid pinching, and prance the night away.

The crowning glory on any queen is her hair. Proper drag queen hair takes years to perfect, so consider going with a Chicago style bob, or top off a short wig with a lavishly-decorated church-going hat. Whatever you choose, please don’t pick up a ratty wig at the local Halloween Adventure store and tease it until it’s ready to report you to the principal for bullying. Ratty hair didn’t look good in the 80s and it doesn’t look good now. If you really want to dress to impress, find a professional queen who can style a wig for you to make you look like the royalty you are. She’ll know how to give the hair a lift without frizzing it out like Bozo the Clown, and she’ll know how to "root" the wig so it looks like it’s coming right out of your head. My personal philosophy is, the higher the hair, the closer to heaven! But no matter what you choose in make-up, clothing, and hair, remember that God don’t like ugly, so let your love light shine from the inside out.