Not being the most computer savvy queen on
the block, I used to hear the term “eBay” and shake my head in
puzzlement. “I bought this on eBay,” someone would say, pointing to
a great new shirt. “You’re such an eBay whore,” one friend would
joke to another. Slowly, I learned that eBay is “The World’s Online
Marketplace,” but all I could picture was a massive flea market spread
over thousands of computers across the globe, featuring your Aunt
Bertha’s prized Elvis salt and pepper shakers and some Goodwill
garments from the 1970s. But when I started to catch myself singing in
the shower, a la Old Blue Eyes, “I Did it eBay,” I knew I wouldn’t
get the commercial jingle out of my head until I’d gotten onto the
website.
Then, at shows, I began to notice that my
friend and sister Christina DeCarlo was sporting some faboosh new
jewels. Seeing me greedily eyeing her new silver rhinestone bracelets,
she confessed, “You like these? I got them on eBay. Only $12.99
each!” Backstage, my fellow performers could hear the gears beginning
to grind in my head. I’ve got to get on eBay! Visions of sugar
plum-colored beaded gowns danced in my head. With fabulous drag arriving
in brown paper packages on a regular basis, I wouldn’t have to settle
for one hard candy Christmas per year. Anita could have a Mary Christmas
year-round!
The first time I checked out the site, I
was overwhelmed by the bright colors on the home page, not to mention
all the strange phrases. Items I’m Watching…Items I’ve Bid
On…Items I’ve Won…Safe Trading Tips…Feedback Forum…PayPal. I
wondered if I’d ever master the mother tongue of this brave new world.
Wandering blindly like a shopping warrior through a capitalist maze of
new bargains, at last, my eyes set upon the words I’d been searching
for—New Users…Register Now. The site couldn’t be more
user-friendly, even for someone like me who actually owns a copy of ATM
Machines for Dummies. Registration was quick and painless, thanks to a
thorough yet brief introduction narrated by the good old voice-mail lady
(or maybe her sister). In just minutes, I had happily joined the ranks
of millions of worldwide eBay whores…uh, users.
For those of you whose existence is bland
and meaningless without eBay as a part of your daily life, I’ll give
you the quick scoop. At any given time, the website lists thousands
(millions?) of items for sale by eBay sellers. Anyone can become an eBay
seller or buyer. Although I have yet to list anything on eBay as a
seller, registration to buy is completely free of charge. Item listings
usually include a detailed description and at least one picture. Selling
is auction style. Each item is listed for a certain number of days, and
at the end of that time, the highest bidder wins the item for the price
of their bid plus shipping and handling.
But how can you be sure that a seller is
on the up and up, you ask. Not a problem. Those eBay geniuses have got
this one covered with The Feedback Forum. Everyone who buys or sells on
eBay earns feedback points. For example, if you buy a “like new”
vintage Bert and Ernie puppet set and it arrives just as promised in a
timely manner, you leave positive feedback (one point) for the seller.
If Bert and Ernie arrive after two months looking like they fought in
the trenches of World War I, you leave that seller negative feedback
(minus one point). If Bert and Ernie arrive a little tardy and looking
less than perky, you might choose to leave that seller neutral feedback
(zero points). You can check out a seller’s feedback before placing a
bid on one of his/her items, just like you’d check the reputation of
an auto mechanic before taking your car in for a tune-up. In the
worst-case scenario, if Bert and Ernie never even make it from Sesame
Street to your house, and attempts to contact the seller are in vain,
you can launch a fraud investigation through eBay. Pretty cool, huh?
So far, the vast majority of my eBay
experiences have been very positive—great items, wonderful sellers,
incredible bargains. I spent $200 on a Caribbean blue beaded gown when I
won my Empress of All the Crowns title, only to find the exact same
dress (NWT—new with tags) had just gone for $30 the day before.
“I’ll never pay retail or wholesale again,” I tell my sisters of
the sequins. In fact, since I became an avid eBayer, I have not bought a
single drag item anywhere else. When you can get an amazing red, black,
and gold $2000 Mardi Gras outfit (worn only once!) for $110, why shop
anywhere else? I am still waiting for a pair of 6” platform white
vinyl thigh high boots that weren’t in stock when I won them, and I
did receive a “warrior woman” outfit that came in green and black
instead of royal blue, but eBay’s enormous bargains and great sense of
community far outweigh any negative experiences I’ve had.
There’s only one small problem with
eBay, and I feel I must warn you about it, now that I’ve touted its
many virtues. IT IS TOTALLY ADDICTING. You can find absolutely anything
you want, including a “make your own dildo” kit in which you create
a plaster cast of your penis, pour in the latex, and voila—the perfect
give for the narcissistic sex addict. Art, antiques, collectibles,
furniture, clothing, shoes, knick-knacks, appliances, toys, games,
books, even automobiles! Anything you could possibly want to purchase is
at your fingertips. The auction style of eBay makes the purchase process
much more exciting than pawing through racks and standing in line for
twenty minutes at the local WalMart. You literally won’t want to leave
your computer screen.
I’d love to tell you a lot more about
my favorite new obsession, but I have an auction ending in 9 minutes, 32
seconds.
Eric
can be reached at e.a.morrison@verizon.net.
Put “End of eBay Auction—Item Lost-Similar Item Available” in the
title, and he’ll respond in a nanosecond.
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