Spring is here—finally. The crocuses have croaked, the trees and flowers have given us their gift of pollen, and it’s time again for Rick and Dave’s vacation to anywhere. Yep, back to the west coast for us while I’m trying to cope with my mid-life crisis. I told Dave I needed something fast and red. He thought of one thing (nasty boy) and I thought of another. Anyway, you can probably spot me now driving a big red sports car with a “huge” motor. This should satisfy my need for speed.

Anyway, I still have people approach me about a column I wrote, actually two of them, that dealt with the types of people you meet at the gym. These little gems are over three years old, and people still remember back that far? Oh my!

And now, without further ado, we present an updated version for the 21st century. See if you can identify anybody in the list below. Maybe you’ll even spot yourself. Some of these people will give you a good laugh, but some of them are just plain discourteous. Let’s not get too bent out of shape, though!

1. The Gym Rat. He’s there every day, morning, noon, and night. He’s been there soooo long, he looks like one of the permanent fixtures. He comes in the morning to work out and he comes in the evening to work out. Does this guy have a job/life?

2. The Walking Dead. Though you really only need to do an aerobic workout 3 or maybe 4 times a week, we have the zombies come in every day and walk on the treadmills for hours upon hours at a time. They usually have a blank expression on their faces. I wonder what they are thinking, if they are thinking at all. Walk on!

3. Mr. Know-It-All. Usually, every gym has one. If your gym doesn’t, consider yourself lucky. He knows everything about diet, exercise, and life in general. He’ll voluntarily tell you anything and everything, whether you want to know it or not. And because he “works out,” he’s his own self-appointed expert with really no professional background in training or physical education. This person enjoys talking about themselves, and knows you enjoy hearing about them, too. Much of the advice they dispense is incorrect. They can be loud, boring, and offensive. Can you say, “Big Ego?” Avoid them!

4. International Male Man. I, myself, have been accused of being one of these, but not to the extreme. These are guys who are wearing the latest from the IM catalog. They have every accessory known to “gay man.” There’s a ton of jewelry, hair spray, a Cartier watch, diamonds, gold, and cologne to the max. Their entire wardrobe consists of spandex and lycra (hey, spandex is good). And they wear the ever-popular “tit-tank,” showing a bare chest with tiny spaghetti straps that pass for a shirt. Now, believe me, this can be pulled off if you have a killer body to show off. But these guys don’t.

5. Ms. Amnesia. This is the lady you’ve shown time and time again how to do specific exercises, only to find out she doesn’t remember any of them. She comes to you for the sixth time with a blank look and says, “I forgot everything, could you show me again?”—and she’s serious. My advice?  Take notes and write down the advice your trainer gives you, or take a night course! But she’s probably forgotten this by now, anyway.

6. The Rat Packer. Now I know you’ve seen these: a gigantic gym bag the size of a new Beetle, being dragged into the gym on rollers. These people look like they’re carrying all their worldly possessions. And when they unpack it in the locker room, it looks like some 14-year-old’s bedroom. Stuff is strewn everywhere. Is it a gym bag or a body bag?

7. Fifty-Set Man. No kidding. They actually do 50 sets for each body part. I’ve seen it. I’ve told them not to, but it’s back to bad old habits the next workout. Somehow, they believe that the more sets you do, the bigger your muscles will get. It ain’t gonna happen. But what will happen is over-training or even an injury. Four sets should be the max.

8. Ten-Minute-Set Man. They specialize in flat bench. They do one set, then take a 10 minute break before the next one, then 10 minutes after that, then 10 minutes after that. Got the picture? They’ve done four sets and used up 40 minutes of time. Don’t laugh, this happens a lot!

9. Disco Divas. These are the guys and girls who bring in their own headsets (nothing wrong with that) but listen with the volume up so loud you can hear them 50 feet away. And they’re humming and strumming along with the music. A bump here and a grind there, with a Diana Ross hand tossed in the air for effect every now and then. Very entertaining – sure beats a drag show.

10. Trash Talkers. The conversations usually start out like this: “You didn’t hear this from me,” or “I’m not one to talk, but…” It’s gossip in the gym that the National Enquirer would gladly pay big bucks to get. Some can be pretty funny and some can be downright vile and mean. Be on your best behavior at the gym.

OK, now, there you go. If you want even more “gym types,” check out my May 30 and June 27, 1997 columns on the CAMP Rehoboth website. I hope you’ll get a few extra laughs and really be able to relate to them!

See you tanned and ready after our vacation!