Sigh. I promised myself (and editor
Steve) after last issue’s oh-so serious column about Iraq that I would
come up with something lighthearted and humorous for this issue of
Letters. But here it is, deadline day, and I’m having a tough time
conjuring up a funny story to tell.
I have been amused by a
TV promotion for Bob Hope’s 100th Birthday Celebration. In it,
late-night talk-show host Conan O’Brien gushes that Hope is “the
greatest entertainer of this century.” What century are you living in,
Conan?
Unfortunately, the
mention of Hope always reminds me of war, a rather “hopelessly” sad
and wasteful way to resolve international differences especially when
it’s a military mismatch. I do find it amusing that so many political
conservatives who only a couple years ago were lambasting the Clinton
administration for allegedly undermining the Pentagon’s budget are now
singing the praises of the mightiest military force the world has ever
seen. Pretty quick recovery! Wish the economy could turnaround so fast.
But that joke’s about
as lame as the faltering attempts of Letterman and Leno to make light of
the government’s conduct of the war. They’re being ultra-cautious,
it seems, realizing that it is career-threatening for a celebrity to
engage in political satire these days.
Usually, I can find
plenty of grist for the humor mill simply by watching the show-biz news
on Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood. So, I took a look at
those shows the other day for inspiration.
Lead news blurb: “CBS
is airing a bio-pic about the doctor who had to treat her own cancer
while working in Antarctica. It stars Academy Award winner Susan
Sarandon …”
I’ve always enjoyed
Sarandon’s work; she was so much fun to watch in Thelma and Louise and
last year’s The Banger Sisters. To have her star in a TV movie is a
coup for quality television except for the fact that rightwing
organizations and cable commentators were urging a national boycott of
the broadcast. It seems that many American patriots have vowed never to
watch Sarandon act again because of her suggestion that waging war on
Iraq might not be the best way to solve that nation’s problems. OK,
there’s not much humor there.
Maybe the next story
…
Blurb two: “The
Baseball Hall of Fame has cancelled a special tribute to the movie Bull
Durham because actors Tim Robbins and Susan …”
Let’s move on.
Blurb three: “Madonna
has shelved the video for her new American Life after reports circulated
that it was critical …”
Where’s my
remote-control clicker?
Blurb four: “A trio
of hit-making country singers continues to be shell-shocked weeks after
their lead singer made an off-hand comment about George Bush.”
Until I heard their
remake of Stevie Nicks’ song “Landslide” on the radio, I had never
given much thought to the Dixie Chicks (especially with a name that, in
the day, would have infuriated feminists). But their new album,
“Home,” is terrific, and I was delighted when it soared up the
charts to number one. However, now the real landslide is underway. More
albums are being burned than at any time since John Lennon compared the
Beatles’ popularity to that of Jesus. Fortunately, the controversy did
nothing to slow down the Fab Four’s careers. Maybe the Dixie Chicks
will overcome, too. Still, there’s not much to laugh about in this
story either. Maybe after the commercial break…
Blurb five: “Although
arts groups and historical organizations all over the world had pleaded
with the White House to protect Baghdad’s museums, there was no
American military presence when looters emptied the Iraq National Museum
of extraordinary treasures of ancient Babylonian, Sumerian and Assyrian
cultures, collections chronicling the region’s role as the cradle of
civilization millennia ago.”
Maybe I can find
something funny here. Let’s see. Lawlessness in the wake of the U.S.
invasion has rocked the cradle … Groan. How about: When Bob Hope first
played the Hanging Gardens of Babylon …
I turned off the TV,
all blurbed out. I decided to go online and look up some of my old
humorous columns at www.camprehoboth.com. CAMP has one of the best
Websites around, and on it you’ll find every feature article and
column Letters has published for the past half-dozen years. There’s
really a lot of terrific writing in those archives, including Fay
Jacobs’ delicious diaries of quotidian life at the beach and Kristin
Minor’s perceptive reports on the trials and tribulations of being a
gay student. You’ll also find all four years of my columns on such
weighty matters as America’s preoccupation with cheese, gay beer,
armchair surfing, and the nuisances of cell phones in the sand.
With a couple clicks on
the Back Issues icon, you can also read Mubarak Dahir’s “Hear Me
Out” columns, with his often remarkable stories about what it’s like
to be gay and Arab. Of course, those columns aren’t especially
comical, just insightful. Hmmm. Is “Gayrab” funny? Or am I looking
for laughs in all the wrong places?
One Website that has
managed to maintain a cutting sense of humor, even as the forces of faux
patriotism aspire to reactivate the old House Un-American Activities
Committee, is John Wooden’s www.whitehouse.org. If you haven’t
visited it, be prepared to spend at least an hour pouring through
hilarious satires of news articles from the Bush administration,
presented in a format resembling an actual government Website. (The real
White House has tried to shut down the site, but hasn’t found the
legal grounds yet.)
You’ll find
up-to-the-minute reports on White House positions regarding the Middle
East, such as the following (excerpted) statement by President Bush to
the Iraqi people: “Going forward, as you celebrate your blood-drenched
freedom by joyously frolicking in feces-contaminated drinking water,
rest assured that America is with you for the long haul. Our armies of
compassionate missionaries and CEO carpetbaggers are already en route,
and look forward to long and financially lopsided relationships with
your fun-to-conquer and increasingly Christian peoples. You deserve to
enjoy free colonialized lives, unthreatened by your neighbors Syria and
Iran. And with the 2004 election still two years away, rest assured that
at least one of those suckers is going down, too.”
Jerry Falwell also
discusses his daily prayer breakfasts with the President. “It’s true
that Jesus instructs us to love our enemies, but that doesn’t mean we
have to like them. In complete obedience to the Lord Jesus, I can tell
you, I love to see my enemies dead. As a Christian, the President knows
that Jesus will eventually slaughter them all and burn them in Hell.
We’re just trying to speed up the process.”
Amen,
there truly is always something to laugh about.
Former
Rehoboth resident Bill Sievert has written about social causes since the
1960s; send your hate mail to him at allforthecause@aol.com.
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