There is a joke I recently heard and it goes like this. "What do lesbians do on their second date? Answer: Hire a moving van. And what do gay men do on their second date? Answer: What’s a second date?" Gay men can’t escape it! We are often thought of as unable to sustain a relationship, let alone think about monogamy! But, is it true?

Like many gay men, I grapple with the concept of monogamy or open relationships. Some days it depends on which way the wind is blowing or how I might be feeling at a particular moment in my life. I think it also depends on the level of commitment and security you need in your life. I have seen couples work at monogamy or open relationships. Some have worked, some have failed. What makes the difference is the level of communication you have with someone you love. This trust is important because having unsafe sex outside the relationship can open your life up to other problems.

There are countless stories of men infecting partners because they broke an agreement or practiced unsafe sex outside of their primary relationship. When we are with someone, there is an amount of trust involved. Issues around trust play a major part in all relationships. However, negotiating sex is one of the most important things—especially if you are considering an open relationship. Many couples fail in the early stages of their relationship because they don’t talk about past sexual history, sexual health concerns, and current sexual preferences. It’s not sexy to talk about this stuff when you are in your honeymoon period. Then, before you know it, time has passed and the conversation becomes more difficult to have; especially when one partner may have brought a Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI) into the relationship.

You need to have an open conversation with your partner and see if monogamy is for you and your lover. If it isn’t—you each need to know so you can make informed choices about the future of your relationship. If you decide to be open, having an STI and HIV check together can bring clarity and openness to the relationship. Negotiation will have to be done when and if condoms are used with other people. This will protect not only you but your partner.

Relationships are a constant source of learning and difficulties arise. I know that first hand! Gay men often throw in the towel at the point where things are difficult. By talking and negotiating monogamy or an open relationship, you can strengthen the relationship and make for a stronger couple.