Weekend Beach Bum:  Drag Queen FAQs

What do you do with "it?"
This oldie but goodie ranks a solid number one amongst drag show attendees—the "it," of course, referring to my Mr. Happy. Since the tedious tucking explanation tends to kill the gender illusion, I’ve begun making up my own intriguing responses to this question. Some of my personal favorites include, "I leave it home for the night," "It’s wrapped around my waist,"

"My dog ate it," or, the real eye-popper, "I don’t know, I’ve never had one." Just once, I’d like to explode into tears, and launch into a sad lament about how I lost it in a tragic farming combine accident, and ever since then, I just can’t stop puttin’ on the ritz.

How long does it take you to get ready? 
After Michelangelo finished the Sistine Chapel, do you think some pauper had the audacity to ask him how long it took? Instead, you should wonder, mouth gaping, at this marvelous creature standing before you, fall upon your knees, and offer thanks to the Great Goddess of Drag that once again she has bestowed upon you this lovely and incomparable bastion of beauty.

How much is a proper tip for a drag queen?
However much you have in your wallet! Actually, it is standard practice, when tipping a drag queen, to give her one dollar for every inch the hair stands off her head. No, seriously, most queens will gladly accept a George Washington, but if you’re really bouncing to her beat or boo-hooing to her ballad, several Georges are appropriate. Some fans will hand out fives, tens, or even larger denominations, and these are greatly appreciated as well. Generous tipping often allows you to cop a feel, if you fancy the sensation of chair padding or silicone between your fingers. And, FYI, you should never insert a dollar into a drag queen’s cleavage. You might wipe it off, and that’s just no fun for anyone.

How much did you pay for that dress?
First of all, to properly address a true queen, you must educate yourself on the terminology of fine fashion. Mrs. Harper from Mama’s Family wears dresses. We do not wear dresses, we wear gowns, unless, of course, it comes above the knee, in which case it is a cocktail dress.

Whenever you see us wearing a cocktail dress, that is a sign that we are currently accepting cocktails. Fringe and beads often adorn our dance outfits. And please remember that Michael Jordan wears shoes. We wear heels. Don’t ask us how much money we pay for any of these things, because then you’d feel guilty for tipping us with one dollar bills.

How did you learn to walk in heels? 
Recent studies published in The Journal of the American Medical Association have proven that it’s genetic. The best way to see if you can be a fabulous queen, is to throw on some 4-inch pup-crushers and give it a whirl while you vacuum the living room floor. If you’re not spinning and kicking to the hum of the motor within five minutes, give it up, honey.

Why do drag queens wear so much make-up?
Cover Girl does not cover boy. We may look a little like Bozo in bright sunlight, but we’re creatures of the night, after all.

Are drag queens making fun of womanhood?
No more than Pat Robertson makes fun of manhood.

Do you want to be a woman?
No, and neither does your girlfriend, apparently, looking at the way she’s dressed.

Why are drag queens so bitchy?
Think about the REAL answer to question number one.

Do drag queens drink a lot? 
That depends. Are you buying?

Have you ever had sex in drag?
All the time! I adore being made love to wearing two wigs, an inch-and-a-half of foundation, earrings the size of dinner plates, eleven pairs of nylons, and six-inch stilettos. It’s so very comfortable!

Do you report your tips to the IRS? 
Don’t ask, don’t tell.

Is it true that drag queens started the Stonewall riots? 
Absolutely. And if you ask me one more questions, sister, Stonewall II is going to break out here tonight.