Student CAMP

My best friend in college is a girl named Sashka. Sashka has many wonderful qualities—she is funny, kind, and has a twisted sense of quirk that makes people who worship Eris, mother of Discordia, feel inferior. She is also utterly heterosexual. This is not a bad thing, although it is quite the loss for us sapphists. The problem is that my parents refuse to believe it.

Conversations with my mother often go something like this:

"Yeah, I went to the movies with Sashka today."
"Oh, honey, that’s so sweet."
"Mom, we’re not dating."
"Oh, but I thought..."
"We’re not dating."
"Did you break up?"
"We’re not... ARRRRGH!" (Sound of head being beat against desk.)

This would not be nearly so frustrating were it not for two points—first, I have not had anything resembling romantic success in about a year; second, this tends to happen with every single female friend that I mention more than twice, regardless of the sexual orientation of the girl in question. As I write this I am on one of my relatively infrequent trips home, and I brought along a female friend who had nothing better to do. It didn’t take particularly long for my father to pull me aside and ask, "So...is Mig your friend or is she your...(dramatic pause)...FRIEND?"

After I said no, he asked me her sexual orientation. I said that she was bisexual; and he asked me again if she was my... friend. Last night she leaned her head on my shoulder while we were watching television and I saw my parents exchange A Significant Look at one another.

Perhaps they think that Route 1 is the perfect background to seduce someone? In other news, I am planning on being arrested for beating people with clue sticks. Don’t misunderstand; I realize that I am very lucky to have parents who are so accepting of me and eager to hear about any romance that is in my life. I just wish that there was some. I think this whole thing is ultimately my fault—I kept my first two girlfriends a secret from my parents (they were not at all fooled) and my last one a secret for the first month or so of our relationship (once again, they were not fooled). In my defense I will note that this withholding of information occurred when I was fifteen and sixteen, ages during which you are constantly at war with your parents and information is heavy artillery. I’m past that now, but mom and dad still seem to think that I wouldn’t tell them if I was seeing someone. Why they think I would be silent eludes me—I’m not quiet about much of anything, and I’ve gotten over the traces of shame and fear of very bad things that kept me from telling them about my girlfriends when I was in my teens.

I also am amused by the fact that they couple me with virtually every girl I am friends with. Not only am I secretive about my relationships, I’m actually an enormous slut. I’m sure they think that this is my reason for not flying home for very long—my dating calendar is so full that I have to entertain my legions of girlfriends at all hours, particularly when school is not in session.

My parents should not be singled out in this regard—some of my friends are just as bad. Apparently we homosexuals are not allowed to have friends of the same gender—every time I spend any significant time with a woman, subtle insinuations are aimed at me by my frat brothers. And by "subtle" I mean "So, Kristen, are you in her pants yet?

Well, what’s taking you so long?" This, again, is probably my fault—my lamenting of my lack of a girlfriend is much more constant and insufferable in real life than it is in print, and I probably deserve every bit of teasing I get and then some. What are friends for if not to rag on you about your proclaimed "eternal quest for hot lesbo loving," after all? Or to watch and comment as you try and fail to acquire some? (For example, in a bit of sleep-deprived hubris I once announced that women were best seduced by cooking for them, and now all of my dinner parties are viewed with great suspicion and, afterwards, commented on a la the reviews of who wore what to the Oscars. "Oh, she was totally checking you out when you were serving the couscous! Jump her!") At any rate, I am curious to see how my parents will react when I actually do bring home a girl for their approval. "Is she your... friend?" "Yes."

"Liar." One hopes that for the sake of harmony they will cease linking me with every other female in a ten mile radius, but I wouldn’t count on it. After all, one can never have too many...friends.