Dear Lipstick & Dipstick:
How do you break the news to your husband that you’re a lesbian? We have been together for 5 years and I’ve always known I was a lesbian, but never acted on it. Well, I’m finally ready to come out and ask him to leave. I know things will be nasty and he’ll get angry. I’m sure he’ll try to change my mind, as he has year after year. Each time I’ve tried, I feel guilty because he cries, telling me about his big plans for our future. What should I do?
Married to the Man

Lipstick: Let me get this straight. Your hubby already knows you’re a big dyke, but cries and insists you stay? What a sad, unfortunately soul. Stop the bleeding and do this man a favor. LEAVE! Staying is only placating him, exposing your weakness and the sharp claws of obligation. Responsibility is one thing, trashing your own truth and happiness because of a guilty conscience is another. It won’t be pretty, but if you want a shot at happiness, here’s your window, Honey Bucket, now jump. You MUST stand in the truth of who you are. Period. There’s no other way to paradise, but through the whipping licks of coming out hellfire. Quit taking the easy road. Bite the mullet and get out!

Dipstick: Sorry, MM, if coming out were easy, half of Hollywood, sweet sister Theresa, my childhood Sunday school teacher and the entire WNBA all-star team would have beat you to the door handle. Yes, facing the truth is hard, especially when it means stepping into the unknown. You and your cry baby husband need to grow up. If my wife told me she was straight and would be happier with a man, sure, it would hurt, and I would cry, but I’d honor her truth and let her wander like Anne Heche, through the desert in search of her true light (hopefully it wouldn’t be a spaceship light she follows). Hanging on would be pointless. And I certainly wouldn’t want her to stay simply because it hurt me. Coming out is damn hard, but you have a choice. Walk briefly through hell, or spend the rest of your life there. And one more thing—you should leave him, which means he gets the house. You opt for the crappy apartment downtown. At least it will be close to the lesbian bar.

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick:
I’m a gay man in my mid-thirties. My 21-year-old boyfriend never changes the oil in his car, can’t start a lawnmower and doesn’t know which end of the hammer hits the nail. How can I get him to be a little manlier? Is there any way I can teach my young dog new tricks?
Pet Lover

Lipstick: I wouldn’t waste your time. Some fags were born to be pampered. Some queens will never learn how to change a tire, use a screwdriver or the words to Stairway to Heaven. Just like some dykes will never learn how to shape their eyebrows, pick out fashionable shoes or sing karaoke (god help me if I hear another rendition of I’m the Only One). Is your faggy fido interested in learning new tricks? If so, then yes, there’s hope and he may one day manicure your yard with fastidious perfection and hammer the iron out of that nail. If not, then I’m afraid you’re stuck at the park without a leash and he’s going to run free in his fancy loafers doing all the things Lipstick likes to do.

Dipstick: Whereas Dipstick would love to come over and show your sweet young man how to change the wiper blades and build a second story addition on your house, Lipstick is right, God made us different for a reason. I’m sure that man of yours cooks a mean soufflé, has impeccable skin and knows all the words to My Fair Lady. Do you think Queer Guy Kyan Douglas’ boyfriend is bitching that he doesn’t know a timing belt from a spark plug? Does Jai Rodriguez’s boyfriend ask him to climb on the roof and clean the gutters? I certainly hope not! Love your puppy as he is. If he were any manlier, you’d just be bumping into each other in the garage. Save your bumping for the bedroom.