CAMPOut: I've Got a Very Conservative Idea

Between news of Canadian gay marriage, Delaware’s HB 99 passing the House (but not yet the Senate), the Supremes recent sodomy ruling, the fulminating dissent from Justice Scalia, talk of a Constitutional Amendment against gay marriage, and would-be presidential candidates hawking their views on same-sex unions, we’re in a great big fat snowball rolling downhill.

Will the avalanche end quickly with bright sunny weather and wedding receptions, or will we need an army of brandy-carrying St. Bernards to dig us out and comfort us?

It’s hard to tell. But Americans, from high schoolers in gay-straight alliances to grown-ups in urban, suburban and even rural families, are way ahead of our legislators when it comes to acceptance of non-traditional unions and family units.

Of course, prejudice and hate still abound, as evidenced by a spate of recent letters in local papers from Delaware’s faithful. And I cringe at those conservative talking heads commenting with pinched faces about Canada’s horrid new law and the Supreme Court’s dastardly sodomy ruling. While I realize that the media is committed to providing balanced coverage, I wish they’d check out the credentials of some of the pontificating people they interview. Some of the better-known, so-called experts with anti-gay views have serious, well-documented credibility issues. I challenge the media to go forth and uncover that story.

And there’s no doubt that with the 2004 presidential election looming, the hate speech and anti-gay backlash is going to be loud, ugly and worse before it gets better. And, of course, the level of actual prejudice may never get better.

Still, fears about the coming collapse of the institution of marriage strike me as more difficult to espouse these days. More and more people and politicians (not that the two are mutually exclusive) are discovering gay people in their very own address books, if not at the family dinner table. We used to know we were everywhere, but straight people are beginning to find that out too.

To reduce things to their most simplistic, folks are beginning to understand that the gay people seeking equality are not just a bunch of feather or leather-covered parade participants— although I have known quite a courageous few. They are not simply a throng of pleasure-seeking party-goers, boogeying ‘til dawn—although there was a dazzling swarm at the Convention Center this past weekend.

Truth is, gay couples are the neighbors who are fighting about who empties the dishwasher and who has to call Comcast. My own radical agenda includes working, then shopping for milk, Charmin and bagels, feeding the dogs and pinching the dead flowers off my annuals. Then, I pooper scoop the yard. I’d like Judge Scalia to read that homosexual agenda from the bench.

People are finding out that just like the masses at straight bars and Superbowl parties, gay people actually leave the dance floor or festival and go back to their desks at major corporations, government jobs, local police forces (mostly the girls, thank you) and other worthwhile pursuits.

And they go back there buck naked in the legal protection department.

This summer, two of my long-time friends are courageously taking on the board of directors of one of this country’s largest non-profit organizations. One of the men, a respected physician has worked for the organization for eons. He’s also undergoing cancer treatment. Should something tragic happen, his partner of 26 years has absolutely no standing with respect to the doctor’s well-earned pension. As they fight for domestic partner benefits, suddenly the organization has a familiar face to go with the facts. We hope our friends’ efforts prove victorious by summer’s end. If so, it will make the papers.

Domestic partnerships, civil unions, gay marriage, whatever you call it, it’s about equality.

I’d settle for being called a domestic partner (although that smacks of two women joined in holy Hazel’s cleaning service) or having a civil union (sounds so polite, but emotionless) instead of a marriage as long as we achieve equality.

But frankly, dubbing it marriage is the easy way out. There would be only one standard. Equality. Otherwise, this nation could get caught up in conflicting civil union and domestic partner laws until Richard Chamberlain comes out of the closet….oh, he did.

Frankly, I think same-sex marriage is a very conservative idea. For years our enemies have blasted the "gay lifestyle" for its members’ inability to form lasting relationships. That’s pretty strange when you realize that it’s these same ranters who’ve denied us the right to have our relationships sanctioned in the first place. Fooled them, too. Like many places in the country, Rehoboth Beach, is overflowing with gay couples in 20, 30 and 40-year relationships. Two couples I know have had golden anniversaries.

Many commentators seem to agree with me and are starting to see gay nuptials as a conservative notion. If gays could marry, that ugly phrase "special rights" would be obsolete. We’d have equal rights. Ba da bing.

But the best thing that gay marriage has going for it is its patriotism. Gay marriage would be a huge economic boon for this country. It would lift our economy from it’s current sorry state like a Cosmopolitan lifts my mood on Friday night.

Eureka! Why haven’t Republican strategists thought of this! I hate to admit it, but George W. Bush could actually save our economy (and his job) just by getting Congress to legalize same-sex marriage.

Imagine how many men would register at Crate and Barrel? The economic spike from thousands of added wedding receptions in a single year would cause runaway spending.

Think of the tuxedo rentals. And the guys would buy clothes, too. Then there’d be lavish receptions all over the country—especially in gay resort towns. This could be awesome for Rehoboth hotels and B&B’s. Money would flow into the local economy for wedding planners, DJs, caterers, airline tickets, limos, booze, bands and bird seed. Florists and hairdressers could pamper their own for a change.

The stock market would soar to new heights on growth from hospitality and travel stocks. Photographers and organ players would feel the demand and governments would reap increased marriage license revenue. Fire halls would be fully booked and bride and bride and groom and groom cake toppers would fly off store shelves.

Frankly, fundamentalist church attendance could go up as well. Congregants would trip all over themselves to pray for the souls of the hundreds or thousands, no, millions of people benefiting from this simple concept of equal rights.

This is such a great election strategy that I can’t imagine President Bush and his re-election team passing it up. After all, everybody knows it’s the economy, stupid. What are you waiting for?

Now I have to find out if Home Depot has a bridal registry.