The Gospel According to Marc:  

Was June the queerest month EVER, or what?

It started off, appropriately enough, at the Tony Awards or, as I like to call it, The Gayest Show on Earth (and that was without Rosie O’Donnell or Nathan Lane). It’s not like gay themed plays haven’t won before; heck, Harvey Fierstein won 20 years ago wearing a dress in Torch Song Trilogy, albeit in a smaller size. But it was "The Kiss" between Hairspray winners and life partners Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman that did it. Sure, their smooch was nothing compared to the tongue licking Adrien Brody gave Halle Berry at the Oscars, but it was enough to start tongues wagging.

Amazingly, Shaiman made a comment about not being able to get married and, poof, two days later our neighbors to the north gave poofters the right. You’ve got to love these crazy Cannucks: in addition to gay marriage, they’ve also given us legal marijuana and Celine Dion, the former being necessary to tolerate the latter.

There is a hitch to getting hitched, however. While there are no residency requirements in order to get married in Canada, if you want to get divorced you must live there a year, which is about 364 nights longer than most gay relationships.

Meanwhile, Richard Chamberlain threw himself a coming out party and nobody came. Good riddance. Few things make me more apoplectic than closeted celebrities sitting on the sidelines of history while the rest of us do the heavy lifting. Still, I wish the old pillow-biter well. It’s rumored that Chamberlain is now headed to Ontario, where he will marry his long-time companion, the legendary Wilt Chamberlain. What’s more, now that The Thorn Birds star is out, he can fulfill a life-long ambition by taking over the role of Mama Rose in Gypsy for an ailing Bernadette Peters.

Then the good news kept coming. In New Hampshire, an Episcopal diocese elected the first openly gay bishop. (A spokesman for the church’s national leadership responded by saying, "In our church, only heterosexuals get to wear dresses.") And former Supreme Allied Commander of NATO Wesley Clark said he was receptive to the idea of gays serving openly in the armed services. There was no word on what former Supreme Diana Ross had to say on the matter.

And speaking of The Supremes, there was that little vote on the Texas thing. Perhaps you heard about it. In one of the strangest days in my life I actually found myself agreeing with Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia and Supreme Wacko Jerry Falwell when they warned that the decision would now pave the way for gay marriage.

That’s right, folks. I’m already registered at Crate and Barrel.

In his dissent, Scalia said the decision called into question "state laws against bigamy, same-sex marriage, adult incest, prostitution, masturbation, adultery, fornication, bestiality and obscenity." Excuse me, but which state has a law against masturbation? If jerkin’ the gherkin is illegal, then put me in prison. Just make sure my cell’s been redecorated by Martha Stewart.

And who does Scalia think is going to challenge a law against bestiality? It’s not like some love struck zookeeper is going to rush into a courtroom with his arm around an ape saying, "But your honor, she’s the gorilla of my dreams."

Scalia sure is a sore loser. Apparently Ruth Bader Ginsburg tried to oust him from the Supreme Court softball team, but they need all nine to play. Even Clarence Thomas said he found the Texas sodomy law "uncommonly silly," which makes it sound like Sylvester the Cat wrote his opinion for him. ("That law ith jutht uncommonly thilly!")

Frankly, I find the whole situation surreal. Apparently the only reason the cops barged in on those guys in Texas in the first place was because some vengeful ex-lover wanted to harass them. The most ground-breaking gay rights decision in the history of the United States turns out to have started with The Bitch Slap Heard Round the World. It ain’t exactly Rosa Parks, but I’ll take it.

Besides, just when it looked like things couldn’t get any better, Strom Thurmond finally died. Apparently someone broke the news of the court’s decision to him and he promptly dropped dead.

I think this year’s Tony winner Michele Pawk put it best when she said, "Men kissing each other onstage, drag queens and children: It’s a perfect world."

I couldn’t agree more.

And that, my friends, is The Gospel According to Marc.