The Gospel According to Marc:  Invisible Men Growing Old Gayfully

Well, duh.

Lithe young bodies have been the ideal since the beginning of recorded time. Do you really think all Egyptians looked like those skinny people standing sideways in papyrus paintings?

Of course not. Those people were like the Abercrombie and Fitch models of their day.

It’s only natural that young gay men ignore older gay men. Think about it: when you were in your twenties, did you want to hang out with people your parents’ age? Don’t lie, of course you didn’t.

But why should aging baby boomers, a generation which actually survived the 1970s, care about the opinions of a generation stupid enough to revive them? Even if they insist on wearing clothes from The Decade that Taste Forgot, children should still only be seen and not heard.

To ignore the sexuality of an older person is squandering a precious opportunity. Let’s face it, older men know how to do it better and longer. And you get a much better breakfast in the morning.

As gay men grow older they need to follow the example of the Assisted Living facility in San Francisco for elderly gays that had to shut down because it got too much like a bathhouse. Apparently there’s no substitute for a blowjob without dentures or a handjob delivered by someone with Parkinson’s.

But all too often older gays will stand off at the side, their backs against the wall so no one can see their bald spots, instead of stripping off their shirts and getting in the middle of the dance floor, regardless of paunchy bellies and hairy backs. Older men must insist on public exposure. And I don’t mean just on Mardi Gras.

An aging body tells the story of your life-the number of times you’ve smiled, the meals you’ve eaten, the miles you’ve run, the car accident you had, the virus you’ve survived. And those features that don’t tell the story of your life, inherited traits like varicose veins and liver spots, tell the story of the ancestors who proceeded you. To be ashamed of your balding head or saggy jowls is a dishonor to the genetic material that got you here in the first place.

Taut young bodies may be beautiful, but they’re blank canvases that time hasn’t painted on yet. Perhaps that’s why so many youngsters want tattoos.

Speaking of tattooing, while they may look sexy on those taut young bodies now, has anyone considered that it’s only a matter of time before that eagle on your chest decides to fly south towards your waist? Just thought I’d mention it.

Young gay guys need to stop calling older men trolls and gnomes as if gay life were some kind of fairy tale, but only if older men stop calling young men chicken or twinkies, like they’re some kind of snack.

And if you’re uncertain what to call someone, please just refer to this handy list I’ve prepared for you.

The Seven Ages of Gay Men.

• Teens: Gaylings. The term is suitably endearing and adorable, calling to mind little spiky-haired goslings. If, however, you can’t resist the charms of these youngsters, I urge you to continue referring to them by their technical name: Jailbait.

• 20s: Guydols. Admit it, we treat them like idols-let ‘em enjoy those 28” waists while they last. By the time middle age rolls around, those narrow hips and broad minds will have changed places.

• 30s: FAGS. Because they Finally Are Grown-ups. At this point you’re old enough to know better, but still young enough to do it anyway. And you can usually afford a more comfortable bed to sleep it off in.

• 40s: Queen Bees. These are our gay leaders, because it takes that long to get anything worthwhile accomplished - particularly if you’re trying to build consensus with lesbians.

• 50s: Gaytors. Short for gay mentors. These are the men worth listening to, particularly when you’re tied to the bed.

• 60s: The Hardy Boys. With drugs like Viagra, who needs Ecstasy?

• 70s: Aw, hell, let these guys call themselves whatever they want. They’ve earned it.

So to the older gay men reading this I say, gentlemen, lead by example and show the youngsters what it means to respect your elders by respecting yourself.

The youngsters might just do the same.

And that, my friends, is The Gospel According to Marc.