Filthy Rich Fags

Lipstick: Great question! I’ll tell you why—because the yanks blocking our born-right to equality are boorish fools who have not only redefined the word Christian to mean pro-war, right-wing gay basher, but who are also totally out of touch with their own sexuality. To make matters worse, they don’t believe in the separation of church and state. They just live in their shallow worlds of fear, one we continue to decorate, ignoring the fact that this county was built on liberty and justice for all. They bitch and moan when what we want was ours to begin with. It’s not like we’re trying to run the darn country, forming a coup to overthrow the government so we don’t end up in a nuclear holocaust (although, that’s not a bad idea), we simply want the things our forefathers promised us—like equal protection, the right to worship Cher and carry an AK47 at Pride to take potshots at the God Hates Fags sandwich boards.

Dipstick: Right on Lipstick! I just read an interview with a lesbian celebrity who was complaining about the millions she and her partner pay in taxes and how unfair that is, since they are unable to get married. I agree! She suggested all the high profile queers refuse to pay their taxes until we are given equal rights as citizens. Why doesn’t everyone do it? After all, the issue of taxation without representation started the American Revolution. Let’s start a Queer Revolution! Let’s stop paying taxes until we are given full rights to marry, serve in the military and adopt children. Sure, we might get thrown in jail for our non-actions, but think of the publicity! Think of the new momentum we will give the movement. Think of all the window coverings we can design for the cell bars. What do you say FRF? Are you with me?

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick
I have been in a fem/fem relationship for over 2 years. I love my partner and think she is sexy, BUT I am embarrassed by her bushy eyebrows. I really wish she would wax and sculpt them. I’ve tired to mention it innocently, but she doesn’t get it. She is a professional in a very visible job, so I think her appearance is important to sustain her success. Am I being shallow? How can I get her to shape those brows?

Too Much Bush for Me

Lipstick: Mono-brows should be outlawed! So should hairy lips! You’re not being shallow, just cosmetically conscientious. I can’t think of any movies where, during a romantic scene, the woman runs her finger along her lovers face and says, "God, honey, your uni-brow is sexy." Like I support NPR and the Democratic Party, I’m fully-behind the waxing movement. With my wood tongue-presser dripping with scalding goop, I raise my hand and say everyone should wax! The world will be a better place because of it. Years ago, I dated a woman who desperately needed her lip waxed. On a date early on, as we shared a milkshake, I privately gasped when I saw tiny droplets of milk on her mustache wisps. I, too, found myself in a similar predicament—should I pass Anastasia’s card across our Ben & Jerry’s table or just dream about sexy, hairless swimmers legs when we make out? It was a tough decision. In the end, she finally did get rid of the excess hair, but not the fur on her lip, instead she shaved her head! She was a butch in disguise and left me for her softball coach.

Dipstick: What is it with lesbians these days? What’s wrong with a little bush above and below? Why are all you sisters plucking and trimming and waxing and shaving? Don’t you know this hair removal is a plot of patriarchy to keep our minds off what’s really going on—like the war in Iraq, the millions of animals euthanized each year, or the slow erosion of our civil rights before our bushy eyebrows? Who cares about the bush? Now, if you want to talk about waxing a different Bush, Dipstick is happy to share her opinion about that, too.

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