Gay 'n Gray

Scores of Whores

A few weeks ago I saw a rerun of an episode of Sex in the City, a show that seems to improve with age. This was the episode in which Amanda, the red-haired no nonsense young lawyer, was told by her gynecologist that she had a sexually transmitted disease called chlamydia and that she needed to notify all of her past and present sexual contacts so that they too could be tested for the disease.

When I tuned in, Amanda had just completed her list of sexual contacts and she was confiding in her current boyfriend, Steve, that she was appalled by the number of men she had slept with. In response to Steve’s good-natured chiding Amanda finally admitted that her list numbered thirty-two. Steve never did confess to Amanda the number of scalps on his sexual belt, but in response to Amada’s badgering, he acknowledged that his conquests numbered more than thirty, more than fifty, more than sixty. All this led Carrie Bradshaw, the protagonist of the show who writes a newspaper column entitled Sex in the City, to question in her next column, "How many men is too many men, or are we all whores?"

This episode forced me to go back to my Webster’s Dictionary to find the definition of whore. I have always thought that whore implied sex for gain, most usually cash, which is why I was surprised that Carrie Bradshaw’s definition equated whore with the number of sexual partners—as if 0 to 10 equals virtual virginity, 10 to 30 equals pre-whore, and 30 or more qualifies one for sex worker status.

Webster gives two definitions for whore: 1. prostitute, 2. any woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse."

I preferred the second definition and found it very reassuring, because in response to the show, I began counting past partners and I blanched when I passed Steve. I took solace in the fact that I was twice Steve’s age and that should count for something, perhaps an audition for Survivor. But Webster really put my mind at ease because to be a whore I’d have to be a woman. Male "promiscuous sexual intercourse" is exempted from the definition.

Of course, when you take Webster’s first definition, "prostitute" and look that up, he defines prostitute as, 1. to sell the services of (oneself or another) for purposes of sexual intercourse, 2. to sell (oneself, one’s artistic or moral integrity, etc.) for low or unworthy purposes."

There’s no gender exemption in that definition, which is good, in view of the fact that the largest accumulation of individuals who are willing to sell themselves for low or unworthy purposes reside in Washington and are mostly male. We elected them.

When I was a kid growing up I didn’t have a very clear idea of what a whore was but I knew that it had something to do with sex. I absorbed from my childhood family and religious environment that equated to sin. Apparently, most of Congress grew up in the same environment I did, which explains why they don’t hesitate to spend inordinate sums of taxpayers money defining Clinton’s sexual and smoking habits but are perfectly willing to accept the awarding of Iraqi rebuilding contracts to friends of the family without bids or Congressional review. Sex is sin, the contracts are simply business as usual. To sell one’s moral integrity for low or unworthy purposes isn’t a definition many elected politicos want to contemplate.

I heard William Sloan Coffin, then the Chaplain at Yale University, address a gathering of prominent psychiatrists a number of years ago. In that address he defined sin as, "that which diminishes the humanity of another person." That definition forced me to rethink a lot of what I was taught as a child. I equated sin with the amount of skin exposed to public view, with bank robbery, or with what I did with my prick. But by Coffin’s definition, a lot of what I called sin wasn’t, and a lot of my behavior toward family members and colleagues was. It helped me to refocus on how I treat other people and the subtle ways throughout the day and the week that I diminish the humanity of others. By the Coffin definition some whores may qualify for sainthood.

So, "How many men is too many men, or are we all whores?" If the definition rests on numbers, I know scores of whores. But I like to think that how one treats a sexual partner is a crucial part of the definition, and a lot of times it’s ignored. Does my encounter diminish the humanity of another person or does it reinforce the fact that sex can be one of the most profoundly uplifting and divine experiences allowed to men and women? Maybe Carrie will tackle that in a future episode.