I usually have pretty good luck. Recently, however, I must have done something that really ticked off the shopping gods, and I’m suffering for it like a karma felon. Maybe it’s payback for my sampling grapes at the supermarket before I buy a bag. My mother says that’s stealing, but I consider it quality assurance. Regardless, with my shopping fortune as of late, I think maybe I should change my evil ways, or at least take out a credit card with buyer protection.

A few months ago, I began selling drag queen dresses on eBay. It’s been going so well, and my roommate was so sick of pushpin holes in the dining room wall, that a few days ago I decided to invest in an adjustable sewing mannequin to model the clothing for pictures. After calling several local sewing stores, I found one that stocks sewing mannequins and decided to purchase one. The name for the mannequin brand was just too cute to resist—"My Double"—like the world could stand one more of me. Two hundred dollars is a big expenditure for an unemployed person, but nonetheless, I consider it an investment in my bright eBay selling future.

I drove down to the store and gleefully paid for the mannequin. I had asked for a size medium with a 29"-37" waist. I lugged her up to my apartment, opened the box, and assembled her red velvet-like body and shiny silver stand. To my horror, however, I noticed that the waist on her began at 32", not 29" as promised. I called the store and asked to bring her back. They agreed. I dissembled her and packed her away after chasing my cat out of the big cardboard box. At the store, two salesclerks and I double-checked the size chart on display, and the medium should indeed have had a waist starting at 29", not 32". The ditzy dunce behind the counter assured me that all other measurements on the mannequin were correct, although the waist was 3" too big, as if I should just shut up and deal with it.

They offered to order me another size medium mannequin, but not a single regret for my trouble. They could have one for me in "about two weeks." Those unapologetic idiots were not holding onto my $200 for "about two weeks," I concluded, and I asked for a refund, figuring I could find the same mannequin (and better service) at another local store. The clerk pointed out that, according to store policy, she could only exchange the item and could not possibly issue me a refund. I pointed out that I could cut out her heart with a pair of sewing scissors or poke out her eyes with pins, and she granted me the refund.

The next day, after more phone calls, I found another local store that sells sewing mannequins. When I called, I explained to the clerk that I wanted the mannequin for modeling, not sewing, and so I needed a size range that encompassed a 30" waist, an average dress waist for what I sell on eBay. She confirmed the medium waist measurement of 29"-37" for a My Double, and I asked her to get me a medium, assuming that the mannequin I purchased and returned in the other store simply had a manufacturer’s defect. Throughout the afternoon, I waited by the phone as the clerk called me with updates as she tracked down my size medium mannequin. In the late afternoon, she called to confirm the arrival of a bouncing baby mannequin, and I drove the half-hour to pick it up.

I arrived at the store to find a mannequin box marked size small! The clerk had ordered the wrong size. I told her that I wanted a medium, not a small, and she apologized and said I could come back for a size medium today, which I did. After paying for the medium mannequin today, I took it out to my car for inspection only to discover that this medium mannequin started at a size 32" waist, too! I marched back into the store, smoke pouring out of my ears like a cartoon character. I showed her the 32" waist and for half-an-hour, the clerk and her son tried to convince me that you could make the waist go smaller, to the 29" listed on the chart. She even proudly announced when she’s moved it down to 31 7/8"! I suggested that perhaps the manufacturer had changed the measurements on the different mannequin sizes and not informed the stores that distribute them. "They wouldn’t do that!" she assured me.

Finally, I picked out a different brand of mannequin from a catalog and stepped outside to smoke or smoke someone. When I reentered the store, the clerk, her face beet red, revealed that she had called the My Double manufacturer and that they had in fact changed the measurements on the different sizes because "women are getting fatter." According to the new measurements, I needed a small—the same small I had just returned! The clerk’s son offered to go and pick up a size small for me, but it would take about an hour. Swallowing a deserved "I told you so," I said that I would run a few errands and be back in an hour to pick up my size small mannequin.

An hour later I returned, and there was my wonderful size small mannequin. Hallelujah! I thanked the clerk and God, fought rush hour traffic all the way home, and set up the mannequin. My problems were solved. I could finally start listing more gowns and dresses on eBay! But after I assembled the mannequin, I noticed that she leaned a little to the left. No way in hell was I going to exchange yet another mannequin! I figured that once I got a dress on her, she’d be fine. I clothed her in a beautiful beaded gown, and she leaned further left than a Michael Moore documentary. I had The Leaning Mannequin of Pisa in my living room! I promptly opened up the mannequin to discover that the plastic shaft or "spine" of the mannequin was shattered! Tomorrow, I have to drive to the store again and, hopefully, pick up a My Double mannequin without spina bifida.

Please, burn incense and offer sacrifices to the shopping gods that this is my LAST trip in the quest for a simple sewing mannequin.