OUTLook

Last week, Michael Johnston, a prominent spokesman of the "ex-gay" movement closed down his two ministries after it was confirmed that he was having unprotected sex with as many as five different men without disclosing his HIV-status. Since the news broke, I’ve been reading a lot about it. The reports seem to suggest that the "ex-gay" movement has been severely damaged by the scandal. This is great news, right? Of course it’s great news; it’s fabulous news.

But do we have to be so happy about it?

I’m an actor; I’ve been performing for almost fifteen years. In that time, I’ve had to play quite a few "bad guys." Playing a villain is challenging—finding the humanity behind his heinous acts can be difficult, and humbling. And after a while, it’s hard to turn off.

When I read about Michael Johnston, I start to do the actor thing—what does his world look like? What propelled him to do what he does? In Johnston’s case, it’s not difficult. I find it easy to pity him, despite his mistakes. He obviously comes from a background and a family that encouraged him to hate himself...particularly to hate his sexuality.

For most gay guys, the thought of Antonio Banderas shirtless or the make-out-in-the-forest scene of Beautiful Thing are little delicious moments that make us feel alive and warm and fully human. For someone like Michael Johnston, the sight of a superhunk with defined abs and bedroom eyes probably has the opposite reaction.

When channeling Michael Johnston, I imagine he does an excellent job repressing all that sexual energy...but the dam has to burst eventually. I speak from experience as someone, who in my early phase of coming out, did some pretty stupid things simply because I wanted to feel loved or wanted. That I’m HIV-negative today isn’t due to my impending sainthood—only dumb luck. I have to believe it was the same for him, only he wasn’t so lucky.

I suppose there’s a tiny chance that he’s pathological, and was using his body as a weapon to "kill fags" by spreading the virus around intentionally—but is that what we’re accusing him of? I think it’s more likely that he received an offer he couldn’t refuse—and in a crazed, over-hormonal frenzy, he feared that disclosing his HIV status would ruin his chances. So, he kept quiet. He’s not living in a world that allows for the kind of healthy gay relationships that luckier men are either living in or striving for.

I’m not suggesting that stumping for the "ex-gay" movement is a good thing, or that HIV-positive men should be given license to go around having unsafe sex without disclosing their status. But I’m disturbed at the amount of glee that the gay press seems to be taking in Johnston’s "downfall." I think it shows a lack of compassion for Johnston’s mental state, and I also think it’s dangerous.

Johnston’s "friends" in the "ex-gay" camp are expressing "sorrow" for Johnston, the same way they expressed "sorrow" for John Paulk when he got caught in a DC gay bar. When we hear these expressions of "sorrow" and "forgiveness," we’re righteously disgusted, because we know from where we sit what it means: these evil goons are trying to keep sheep in the flock so that they can dole out more mental abuse.

Meanwhile, we’re dancing around singing "Gotcha!" I’m certain that the "ex-gay" advocates are using our response as a warning to gays and lesbians who are similarly trying to stifle themselves. When these lost souls are given a choice between seemingly kind-hearted people who affirm that mistakes will be forgiven and that the "journey out of homosexuality"

is indeed difficult, and a gay community that mocks and jeers and relishes every mistake made by a prominent ex-gay spokesperson, who are they likely to choose?

All of the press I’ve been reading suggests that an enemy has been somehow vanquished. But the enemy isn’t Michael Johnston. The enemy is hatred resulting from ignorance, pure and simple. I believe that Michael Johnston is as much a victim of that hatred and ignorance as Matthew Shepard was.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad the story broke. It’s important for people to know these stories, and to glean from them a larger truth: the "ex-gay" movement doesn’t work.