It was a strange week.

I went shopping in the mall and a Brookstone customer was testing a display model of a high tech nose hair-grooming device. Why, I marveled, had the staff put in batteries knowing it was only a matter of time before some lout sampled it?

If that weren’t repulsive enough, America had to endure another week of TV attack ads by Bitter and Disgruntled Slime Boat Veterans for Mistruths. It’s amazing how Bush, a man who never fired a shot (Jack Daniels doesn’t count), is now calling the shots, while Kerry, who honorably defended his country, is on the defensive.

How could it be that Kerry has to justify his medals, ribbons and Purple Hearts against a president with a yellow heart whose only ribbon during the war was probably a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon? The debate has surreally shifted from whether National Guardsman Bush was hiding on the Alabama/Texas border, to whether Kerry was fighting on the Vietnam/Cambodia border. You’ve got to hand it to Karl Rove for this classic Bait and Smear.

Even Bob Dole took a roll in the mud and leveled Viagra stiff criticism at Kerry.

"What I will always quarrel about are the Purple Hearts—he got two in one day, I think," said Dole, using innuendo to imply that Kerry fast tracked his Purple Hearts so he could earn three, the number he needed to get out of further combat in Vietnam.

Unfortunately for Dole, his criticism went limp under scrutiny. Kerry received his three Purple Hearts on Dec. 2, 1968, Feb. 20, 1969, and March 13, 1969. Kerry should respond to Dole with a line he’d understand: "Stop lying about my record."

Meanwhile, the New York Daily News reports Bush’s twin daughters Jenna and Barbara plan to attend the gay wedding of their upscale eyebrow waxer Erwin Gomez. How ironic that the Bush twins may be getting dress alterations, while their father fights to alter the Constitution to forbid same-sex marriage. If Barbara and Jenna show up at the Republican Convention with unibrows, we’ll know that Karl Rove stepped in and ended their relationship with Gomez. Next, the Gov. James McGreevey affair only grew murkier this week after Dr. Michael David Miller said he also had an affair with Golan Cipel, who claims he is heterosexual. The New York Post ran a headline "I Was Golan’s Gay Lover."

However, The Star-Ledger revealed that Miller falsely told police that he is a CIA operative, leading police to say Miller "has a serious problem with reality." So, it turns out, after all, that Golan might be straight, while maybe his new accuser should be hauled away in a straightjacket. While we don’t know if Golan is gay, it turns out that homosexuals are popping up in the strangest places. The highlight of the week was Mike Rogers of www.BlogActive.com outing Virginia Republican Congressman Edward Schrock, who has a 92% Christian Coalition voting record. Schrock is a co-Sponsor of the Federal Marriage Amendment that would change the U.S. Constitution to ban same-sex marriage. His office has so far refused to comment on the widespread report.

What would famous sex researcher Alfred Kinsey think of all of this sexual confusion if he were alive today? He might have had to rethink his famous six-point sex scale, with one being totally heterosexual, and six being totally gay. Here is how he might revise it:

1. Extra Chromosome heterosexual: You womanize and call anyone who can’t bench-press a Korean car Girlie-Men. You strut, squint and refer to your allies as Old Europe

2. Normal heterosexual

3. Sort of gay: If a powerful governor offers you $110,000 to take a homeland security job you’re not qualified for you’ll consider switching teams

4. Confused: You’re a homophobic Republican Congressman, an ambitious Democratic governor or work for a right wing hate group while having gay affairs—yet, you claim to be straight

5. Normal homosexual

6. Mega-Gay: So gay you wear pink hot pants and roller blades and have your own sitcom on HBO or Showtime

We can only hope the coming week is saner, but it’s probably wishful thinking with the Republican Convention on our doorstep. If you’re gay and living in New York, you better get your names on the guest lists now, because with thousands of ultra-conservative Republicans coming to town, the gay bars ought to be packed.