| Coming
out as a gay or lesbian, it is safe to say, is virtually never easy. Whether a teen just
beginning to come to terms with his or her sexuality, an adult just confronted with the
truth of his or her sexuality, or a man or woman living with secrets and lies for a
lifetime, the decision to come out is tough to say the least.
Not only is the decision tough, the process is endless. And
where to start might be the most important question an individual can ask. For Chastity
Bono, daughter of America’s sweetheart couple of the ‘60s, Sonny and Cher,
coming out under public scrutiny was not the most exciting prospect.
But Bono knew from the start a support system is essential.
In fact, that is probably the basic premise of her newly published book, Family Outing, a
book about coming out in small, safe increments, and building a support system along the
way.
Coming out to her mom, Cher, was, Bono said in a recent
interview, "a gradual process." And even as the daughter of presumed liberal,
Hollywood parents, the process wasn’t easy.
Family Outing," she says, was a project she undertook
"to help other people. My personal experience," she says she hoped "could
be inspirational." In addition, she was interested in "finding others who went
through" similar experiences, and gathering their stories together.
Not only did Bono find that her story was inspirational,
she found that the process of sharing it and of gathering others together was educational
for herself. As she worked on the book, she says she "gained insight into myself and
my growing up." She gained "clarity" about herself and pulled together a
concrete picture of what it "must have been like" growing up.
Hearing her mother share her thoughts, Bono began to
"understand" how and why Cher would distance herself from her daughter who would
eventually tell her she was a lesbian. The more Bono took a divergent path—less
feminine, less like her mother, the farther and farther apart mother and daughter seemed
to become.
Bono sought as "diverse [a selection of people] as
possible" to include in Family Outing, hoping to enable more struggling gays and
lesbians to find someone with whom they can identify. So many young people—and not so
young people, Bono makes clear, look at the representatives of the gay and lesbian
community they see in the news, in the media, and on the big screen and say,
"I’m not that person, I can’t come out."
We don’t all look like any one person who has come
forward to speak for our community. Just as no one person can speak for all of us, no one
person can represent us. "Ethnically, geographically, in terms of economic or social
status, or religion," Bono hopes everyone will find someone they can relate to.
The bottom line, for Bono, as well as for many whose
stories she has heard, is that she has gone through the whole coming out process and has
no doubts that she is much better off for having taken the risks.
Writing a book—a first book—is bound to be full
of challenges. But the most difficult part for Bono was not a technical difficulty. It was
an emotional difficulty—the end of her relationship put the skids on her work.
"Writing the book," she explains, "was not difficult, writing at all was
difficult."
The challenge for her, already having been outed publicly
because of who her parents are, was to write a book that was NOT a celebrity bio. Bono,
who is "always kind of surprised by her celebrity [status], was "able to turn
that into something positive through her tenure with the Advocate, the Human Rights
Campaign Fund, as Media Director for the Gay and Lesbian Defamation League, and now with
Family Outing.
Hers is without a doubt a book many will pick up simply to
see how "Chastity handled it," or how "Cher accepted her daughter’s
lesbianism."
"It was great," she says, "talking to people
about the coming out process, then talking to the people they came out to." This
aspect of Family Outing, talking to those who came out, then to those who received those
‘I am gay’ or ‘I am a lesbian’ messages makes Family Outing invaluable
to parents and friends of gays and lesbians.
But Family Outing is more than one celebrity’s coming
to terms. Says Bono, "It’s user friendly, anyone can pick it up and enjoy
reading it. It’s not tedious or boring. It provides information, and it is great for
someone who wants to begin or to continue along the coming out process. It has broad
appeal!."
Family Outing can help parents. "Anyone can get
something out of it," says Bono, who emphasizes the fact that by now nearly everyone
knows someone who is gay or lesbian. It should also be noted that Family Outing is a great
resource for anyone working with children either in public schools or in mental health
care professions.
It often takes incredible courage to come out. There is
something amazing about sharing, hearing other people’s stories. Bono’s goal was
to offer "real people talking about their real experiences. Not one wished they
hadn’t done it [come out]. All felt a great sense of relief, regardless of the
outcome."
The book, says Bono, turned out pretty much as she had
expected, structurally. And she fully intended to stress the need to be as prepared as
possible before coming out. Read as much as you can, know what resources are out there, so
when you come out and are confronted with questions, you know where to send people who
really care for answers.
Coming out, says Bono, like countless other celebrities who
have shattered the silence of the closet with their own true stories, "is so
important, personally—to be a whole person," she explains. And, she adds,
"It is probably the most important thing we can do for our movement."
It is basic logic. "It is so easy," she argues,
"for the religious right to use fear tactics [against us] when so many remain in the
closet. The more who come out, the harder it will be for them to tell lies about us.
Personally, and ‘communally’, [coming out] is the most important thing a gay
person can do."
Meanwhile, Bono continues her own coming out process,
moving along to her next project—maybe a fictional story that will resemble
Bono’s own "interesting relationship with an older woman who died of breast
cancer."
She is mulling about ideas for a movie that she really
wants to do—to co-write and produce. And she continues to be an active participant
and speaker in and for the gay, lesbian, bi, and transgender community.
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