I don’t know if you’ve watched the recent Presidential debates, but if you haven’t, shame on you! The debates are just about the only chance we get to see what the two candidates for the highest political office in the nation really feel about the most important issues of today. I’m not naïve enough to believe that they don’t go into these debates more prepped than brilliant rich kids before the SATs. Still, they don’t know the exact questions beforehand, and the debates give viewers a sense of how the candidates will react under pressure.

I was shocked and disappointed during the Vice-Presidential debate to hear Democratic VP candidate John Edwards declare that he and Presidential candidate John Kerry regard marriage as between "one man and one woman," although they do support civil unions. (Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.) Anyway, the whole gay marriage issue got me thinking about our role in today’s society, and wondering if we’re attempting to turn into Stepford Queers who resemble heterosexuals in every way except how the sexual parts function in the bedroom.

First, let me say I am completely in favor of full same-sex marriage rights. I believe that homophobia and heterosexism have been the law of the land for long enough, and it’s high time that we have a fair shake under federal, state, and local laws. I cannot imagine being a divorce court judge, presiding over two furious queens in court, screaming at the top of their lungs about who gets to keep the autographed Liza Minelli "Cabaret" poster or who will retain custody of PomPom and Fifi, their cherished toy poodles, but that’s why I’m not Judge Judy. Perhaps we shouldn’t have gays presiding over gay divorce cases. The phrase "Get a grip, Mary!" should not be heard echoing the halls of the courts of this great land. Maybe we could make a deal with the heterosexual community, and we’d preside over their divorces, and they’d preside over ours. That would do a lot for promoting cultural understanding.

I do believe, however, that there is a current attitude popular among gay people toward heterosexuals of, "We want everything you’ve got and we’re damned sure going to get it at last!" I don’t want to be heterosexual, and I often think I don’t want all the baggage that comes along with that destination. If I want the dreamy house and the white picket fence and the 2.5 children and a dog named Fido, I also have to accept the alarming divorce rate, a recent study declaring that about 50% of married partners cheat on their spouses, and being awakened early on Saturday mornings not by the shining, warm sun, but by the horrible screeching of two toddlers as they fight over whether to watch Nickelodeon or the Cartoon Network. I worked hard enough to join the gay club and win the free pink toaster. Maybe I’m just an underachiever, but I’m not so sure I want the Heterosexual Lifestyle Complete Assimilationist trophy, too.

Like Martha really realizes now, options are a good thing. I want the right to marry and have children and fulfill the post-World War II white bread dream. I do not, however, want to be judged by gays or heterosexuals should I never pop a ring on my finger and settle comfortably into the "married lifestyle." We have a rich and varied history, and to me, one of the best things about being gay is that I am not tied to rigid social constraints. My heterosexual friends expect me to be the wittiest one at the dinner party, and to win the best costume prize at Halloween. For centuries, we have thumbed our noses at stifling gender roles and suffocating sexual rules. We stand just outside the mainstream, allowing us to peek inside and offer our honest and unique critiques, and I’m just not ready to give that up quite yet. Being at least a little bit on the outside has allowed us to build our strength, let our imaginations soar, and create some of the most fabulous hairdos and Broadway production numbers ever seen in this tired old world.

There is at least one really good thing about gaining all rights taken for granted by heterosexuals. It would send a clear message to GLBT youth that their life options are open, that you really can be anything you want to be, including married with ten children forever tugging at your sequined apron strings. If same-sex marriage were legal, the GLBT community would have social acceptance and visibility on a scale never before achieved in modern history, providing a flood of more positive images for our youth. Right now, they’re stuck with those weak whiners from Will & Grace, those Caucasian minstrels from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, and Ellen DeGeneres, whom I adore, but who won’t utter the word "lesbian" lest the television network’s cancellation stamp falls heavy upon her hit show like a big foot on a tiny anthill.

GLBT youth need positive self-images with which they can identify, but even with the progress in mass media and entertainment, they’re still not getting them. Instead, they’re getting a stereotypical, watered-down, heterosexual-approved version of what we are allowed to be, and judging by the aforementioned television examples, it’s dim-witted and dependent, good enough to prepare a heterosexual man for a wedding but not good enough to marry ourselves, and utterly silenced regarding out sexuality if we want to succeed in America. "You can’t say you’re gay even if everyone already knows it! It will ruin your career and give Pat Robertson hemorrhoids!" Oh, Ellen. I guess even you have bills to pay.

In his wonderful collection of essays "That’s Why They’re in Cages, People!" Joel Perry writes, "…gay is not just connected to how we have sex. It’s how we react, how we offer a fresh viewpoint, and how we give others permission to be different. It’s surviving and thriving. It is making a thing of beauty…in the face of oppression. It is flying in the face of conformity to live your truth…playful and youthful in its refusal to become dull, stodgy, and boring. It is the sparkle you carry and the magical kingdom you bring with you." I could not agree more, and if I finally do get the right to marry, I’d like to think I haven’t sacrificed all these fabulous things on the altar of assimilation.