CAMP Talk

Even for those of us who love the holiday season, its hectic pace is likely to prove stressful. Trying to pick fabulous (and affordable) gifts for loved ones while elbowing our way through congested shopping centers can leave us sweating in the aisles. Then there are the obligatory office parties and reunions with people we haven’t seen (or even wanted to see) since last Christmas. As is the case too much of the rest of the year, tension typically rules the days of December.

Isn’t it about time our government steps in and does something to reduce our perpetual anxiety? After all, a stress-free life is guaranteed by the U.S. Constitution. Remember the line about insuring the "domestic tranquility"? Well, a Denver, Colorado, man spent the better part of 2003 trying to persuade fellow residents of the Mile High City that government has a responsibility to make that part of the American dream a reality. Jeff Peckman and some of his friends in the Natural Law Party spearheaded a ballot initiative to require the city to adopt "peacefulness programs" to lower "society-wide stress." They also asked President Bush to establish a Cabinet-level Department of Peace, but Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld declined to greet the idea with a group hug.

Peckman’s campaign (which cost a grand total of $40) didn’t prevail in Denver, either. But one-third of the voters agreed with him that the city should begin financing stress-reduction techniques for all its citizens. Had the ordinance been enacted, city leaders would have been required to research, review and adopt anti-stress programs within 180 days of its passage. (Some local officials complained that the quick timetable for implementing the law would stress them out, and their remarks may have scared off voters who couldn’t stand the thought of any more angst-ridden politicians.)

Peckman, who collected roughly 2,500 signatures to qualify his proposal for the ballot, argued that the city could save millions of dollars a year in public-safety costs by insuring the serenity of its residents. Violence would be reduced, stress-related illnesses prevented, and the fast-growing epidemic of road rage stemmed. Specifically, he suggested mass meditation sessions, improved health nutrition in schools and soothing music piped through public loudspeakers. Others called for publicly financed massages and complimentary herbal tea at kiosks throughout the business district.

Some folks (notably, a majority of the voters) pooh-poohed the ideas. Perhaps Peckman is ahead of his time, but is it really a foolish notion for government to promote public harmony?

"Instead of creating stress with its policies of adventurist war, shouldn‘t the government work to reduce our stress?" asked Bill Mego, a researcher in the fields of genetics and industrial biotechnology, in a column for a Denver newspaper. "Is it so crazy to take the grand language in our founding documents a little more seriously?"

If, for example, the federal government truly upheld its obligation to insure domestic tranquility, one of its top priorities would be to provide affordable health care to all its citizens—thus reducing the stress of everyone who struggles to pay the ludicrously high price of medical insurance and required medications. In fact, Americans’ ever-growing dependency on anti-depressants and tranquilizers would probably drop dramatically (except among executives of the big pharmaceutical companies that make billions from our plight).

What’s more, Mego asks, doesn’t our Constitutional right to "the pursuit of happiness include homosexual marriage?" It certainly would provide more domestic tranquility for gay men and lesbians—and other intelligent folks who understand that we all have a right to peaceably pursue our personal visions of the American dream.

Unfortunately, after a mostly positive 12 months for the advancement of gay rights (from the Supreme Court sodomy decision to California’s comprehensive domestic-partnership law), the new year looks like it’s going to be a major stress fest. Many leaders of the Republican Party are threatening to make their proposed anti-gay-marriage amendment to the Constitution "the major issue" in the presidential election campaign. That’s just what we need: more stress-induced (and stress-inducing) harangues from anxious fundamentalists, many of whom could use a little relaxation therapy themselves. Perhaps the government could start its anti-anxiety program with the Wyoming group that has been attempting to erect a memorial to Matthew Shepard, stating that he "went to hell" the moment he was murdered. When asked whether such harsh words might be presumptuous and mean-spirited, a spokesperson for the group stated, "Our God is a hateful God." Hmmm. Someone really needs a lesson in deep-breathing—fast. Unfortunately, supporters of domestic-tranquility legislation are just going to have to hold our breath a while longer. The coming year’s political campaign will include nary a mention of it. Instead, the "hot-button" issues (even that term is stress-producing) will be the increasingly deadly and costly war in Iraq (my neck is getting stiff), the growing national debt (my shoulders ache), the stuttering economy (I’m feeling a little nauseated), and the evils of homosexual relationships (I think I’m going to hurl).