LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
Queer by Choice |
by Sal Seeley |
Choice Is PowerA Fact the Gay-By-Nature Proponents Seem to Overlook Today, like every other day for the past seven years, I choose to be gay. Sure, I was gay long before 1994. In fact, I believe I was born gay. But just because I was born gay doesn't mean that I can't also choose to be gay. In other words, each day I choose to be true to myself. The fact that I've had a personal epiphany and made a conscious choice regarding my sexuality doesn't mean that I've questioned it in the past or that I'm trying to convince myself that I'm a homosexual. I choose to be gay because I believe choice is power. Choosing my gayness reinforces my character and allows me to have integrity. Without integrity, I wouldn't be able to take responsibility for the things I do or say, and I wouldn't be able to accept who I am. While it's true that I might not be able to control my emotions or biological urges, I can certainly choose to encourage a feeling. If I didn't exercise my ability to choose, I'd be leaving something as important as my sexuality up to some divine prenatal lottery, or up to anyone else and whatever stereotype he or she might decide to attach to me. I'd much rather be defined on my own terms. But there aren't many others who agree. And this should come as no surprise. After being told for so long that gays are sick and hell-bound, there are many who are stigmatized by shameso much so that some refuse to choose because they see their ability to make a choice as a burden rather than a chance to own themselves. There are plenty of gay folks who are getting along just fine adopting the singular belief that they were born gay. For years, I was just like them. The idea that I had no choicethat my queer birthright gave me the freedom to use God as a scapegoat for my lifehelped me get through years of Catholic guilt and shame. The fact that I wasn't the one driving a raging homosexual bulldozer allowed me the freedom to plow through life without taking responsibility. When things went great, I took all the credit; when things sucked, I blamed it on being queer. And, when things really got tensewhen my parents and straight friends found outall I had to say was "I can't help it." A walk in the park, really. Until I realized that I am responsible for my lifemy whole life, not just the convenient and really cool parts. The simplest way to explain the power of choice is to point out the obviouseverything we do involves making a choice. Everything. Gay or straight, our lives revolve around decisions we consciously make on a moment-to-moment basis. When we're young, our choices are fairly simple: Red crayon or blue? Barbie or Ken? As we stumble ungracefully into adolescence, choices become slightly more complicated: Do I go out with Billy or not? Do I take French or Spanish? And as adults, our choices become more difficult and life-altering: Do I buy that house? Do I want to have a child? Do I get an abortion? At any age, when we make a "good" choice, we're the first ones to congratulate or reward ourselves. But when we make a "bad" choice, we're often quick to blame someone else. (Ask anyone who's ever gotten a speeding ticket.) Why? I think it's because we don't see our ability to make a choice as powerful. I suggest that if we take responsibility for all the decisions that we make, bad and goodin other words, own them allthere's no room for blame because we see ourselves as powerful and in control. Most of us take our ability to make a choice for granted, since we exercise it about a gazillion times a day. From deciding what to wear to whom to sleep with, we're constantly fulfilling our wants and needs or strengthening our beliefs and moral fiber with a yes or no, or I'll get back to you. Unless we're confronted with a dilemma, we often make split-second decisions, seemingly without even thinking. For example, every morning I take the same route to work. I don't sit in my car for 10 minutes and figure out how to get there. I just start the car and go. Not until I hit traffic do I consider an alternate route. Since we live in a free society, our power of choice is rarely questioned and therefore not much of an issue. But consider the guy in prison who is told every day of his incarceration what to wear, what to eat and how to behave. The glaring absence of choice reminds him constantly of his lack of it. And his punishment reflects his abuse of the privilege of choice, and reminds him that with the privilege comes a lot of responsibility. The choice he made to be a criminal, he discovers, was a bad one. So, while our ability to choose gives us the power to do whatever we want, it doesn't mean that we can behave disorderly in an orderly society without paying the consequences. Because choice without order begets chaos. If 10-year-olds ran the world, they would choose to stay up until midnight, eat chocolate for breakfast, and nominate Stan from South Park for president. But they don't; decisions are made for them. And while the adults in their lives might make choices that are said to be in their best interests, kids are the first to say that it's not fair and that they feel gypped. And feeling gypped is what we adults would call feeling powerless. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 10, No. 11, Aug. 11, 2000. |