LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
Student CAMP: Caution, Boy In Progress |
by Adam |
When the weather becomes cold, I have a tendency to follow the lead of nature and turn inward. Oddly enough, I many times find myself looking forward to the Winter, as it can be such an interesting and intense time of self-discovery for me. One of my major discoveries this Winter has been that I am bisexual. Surprise. Actually, I debated for quite some time whether or not I actually wanted to discuss my "discovery" as part of a column. Having "outed" myself in this same publication about six months ago, it seemed an embarrassing and socially hazardous propositionfurthermore, I hate having to contradict myself. Originally, I planned to justify keeping my orientation hidden by saying that being gay or bi did not particularly influence my column. After all, for many people, "gay is gay," regardless of the flavor. In truth, I feel that being bi doesn't dramatically influence my ability to write about being gay and being a teenagerI am still both of these things, and feel thus that my resum remains valid. Ultimately, the reason why I choose to air my laundry publicly is because it proves an interesting point: it is impossible, or at the very least unwise, to ever stop learning about yourselfto ever think that you know everything about you. Every person is a work in progress, quite simply put. I would say that the assumption that one stops changing at 18, or 21, or 40, and so forth, is one of the most dangerous assumptions one can make. Biologically as well as psychologically, the day you stop changing is the day that you die. For years, I had limited myself by constantly reaffirming that I was flatly gaywhich brings up another issue worth noting: the danger of labels. It is very easy to fall into a stereotype: it's comfortable, and will rarely be challenged outright. Which is why in many ways, I even shy away from calling myself bi; I would almost rather say that I am simply "not straight." While more open to interpretation, and thus more open to questioning, it is the most liberating term I can think of, outside of the even better "sexual," which seems to cover all imaginable gray areas while blatantly frankly describing the thing itself. But now for the nitty-gritty: While I say "bi," I must admit that my sexual desires are not equally distributed between the sexes. I generally find men to be far more physically attractive than women. On the flip side of this, though, I have yet to ever have a strong emotional or mental relationship with another man. Then again, I have yet to ever have a physically fulfilling relationship with a woman. Needless to say, this whole "Hi, I'm Bi!" thing has thrown me for quite a loop, although a very liberating one at that. Although, my friends assure me that they "already knew that," which is really quite frustrating. I have yet to ever surprise my friends with one of my many "revelations"the only possible explanation for this is that I have surrounded myself with people as strange as myself. So then, to appear like I was going somewhere with this column, I'll provide a moral to the story: "Know thyself." Apropos conventional wisdom for such unconventional times. Okay, I'm back. Me again, Adam. Listening to P.J. Harvey about two months after having written the above. I just wanted to ramble on a little bit more since I haven't yet reached my legal word limit. First off, I have cooled from being the militant bisexual that I was in the first piece. When I wrote that, I was still very much "in the heat" of discovery. I felt rather like I had just had a very successful sex change, which I'm sure you will noticeI have to even laugh when I read it. Sometimes I can be such a corn-dog. Basically, what I was trying to get across in my zygote column was that I had discovered that I sometimes (and I do mean sometimes) experience sexual/emotional feelings for a woman. This does not mean that I am ready to barrel down the aisle with Ms. Rightit just means that I now have a somewhat expanded dating pool. Okay, now I have reached my legal word limit, but not surpassed it. Forging on... One very important project that I and many, many others from CAMP Rehoboth have been working on is the bare bones of what will hopefully become a queer youth community in southern Delaware. Having said that, there may be some people who will jump on my back for letting the cat out of the bag too soon. But really, there isn't anything to let out of the bag yet, the whole idea still being in the stage of conceptionbut I want to make the other youth who read my column aware that something is in the works. When things do finally begin to come togetherand I say that with the greatest of speculative optimismthe reality of a youth community will depend entirely on a great deal of man power and positive energy. And the sooner the word leaks out, the longer there is for a support group to build up. And now I have basically exhausted my limit. And my creative juices for that matter. Well, then, take care of yourselves. Adam is a senior in high school. In his free time, he enjoys studying, writing poetry, playing the piano, acting, and reading anything and everything. He welcomes email at admcrow@zdnet-mail.com. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 10, No. 1, Feb. 4, 2000. |