LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
CAMP Talk: Mr. Queen and Lambda Chops |
by Bill Sievert |
An occasional visitor to Rehoboth Beach from the Midwest recently confided in me that he and several partners are about to unveil a new product that will forever change the way gay people drink. "Rainbow straws?" I immediately guessed. "The kind with little twisty ends that get bent?" "No," he said. "This is serious business. We're introducing a brand of gay beer." Those of you who read my last column in Letters know how amusing it is to me that so many people use the word gay as an adjective for inanimate objectsitems that, to the best of my knowledge, don't have a sexual orientation or even a jovial personality. So I had to chuckle at the concept of "gay beer." "You don't think it's a good idea?" the man sighed at my laughter. He wanted my evaluation, as a resort business owner, of his concept. "Actually, it's probably a naturalor would that be a natural light?" "We might eventually do several beers from light to a darker ale. Initially, we hope to market our product in popular gay vacation towns from Palm Springs to Rehoboth." Given the success of Pride brand mineral water and the fact that several big breweries have been clamoring to sponsor events organized by gay people, I told him that I thought his venture was perfectly in tune with our times. I mentioned that some gay entrepreneurs in England recently announced plans to launch the world's first gay airline, Freedom Airways, next year. Perhaps British vacationers will soon be ordering his gay brew on their gay plane rides. He told me that a major brewery would be whipping up his suds and coordinating the distribution. I had to play devil's advocate: "So what makes the beer gay? Is the taste designed to be of particular appeal to people who are attracted to members of their own sex?" I immediately began thinking of possible beer flavors that might go over big with various elements within our diverse community: Musty Leather Lager for the bear crowd, Essence d'Ecstasy for all-night dancers, Go-Diva Chocolate for our Karaoke queens. "Well, we do have our own recipe," he said, "but it's gay beer because our company is gay-owned. And we're targeting a gay audience, of course." I appreciate the importance of supporting our family owned businesses whenever possible. But what sensible, growth-oriented business isn't targeting us as a significant market these days? As one of my fellow columnists for Letters, Mubarak Dahir, pointed out in the last issue (save those back issues, folks), so many gay owned and gay friendly companies are currently courting us that it has become a matter of political controversy within our ranks. Quite a few among us liked things better when our movement was not so easily identifiable with crassly commercial interestsbefore dozens of web sites beckoned to us to click away our bucks with them. Before our rallies and marches featured major shopping malls in tent cities. The counter argument is that being embraced by capitalists (straight ones as well as gay) is a relatively small price to pay for the accompanying advances in societal tolerance and respect we have earned in recent years. Why, even such a corporate giant as Procter & Gamble (maker of dozens of household products from Pampers to Pringles) has withdrawn its sponsorship of Laura Schlessinger's planned series of television tirades because of her anti-gay bravado. Bravo for P&G. So I am ready and eager to support a lot more companies which design products especially for us, particularly those items created by us. In fact, I suspect that, before long, we'll all be buying pretty much everything gay: Those homosexuals lucky enough to have made it to the top of the pecking order on party lists will soon be swallowing (without qualm) their specially formulated vitamin supplement, One-A-Gay. Older gay guys will get lathered up about a new line of grooming care products, Gore Vidal So-Soon. Gay teens will finally start winning the respect they deserve, with skin so much more attractive than that of their peers, thanks to regular applications of Queerasil. For breakfast, we shall down a bowl of Quentin Crispies, and for a quick protein-rich dinner we shall hit the frozen-food department of the local Gay Mart for a package of our favorite microwave meat entre, Lambda Chops. Lesbians will begin trading in their Subaru Outbacks (sorry, Fay) for the all-new four-wheel drive Amazon Jungle in the limited Rubyfruit color. Trans-gender folks will have their own brand of deodorant, "made strong enough for a man, gentle enough for a woman." Many of us will sanitize our bathroom bowls with Mr. Queen. And when our exhausted muscles ache, we will reach for our tubes of Been Gay. Oops, already been there, done that. At this very moment, many of you probably are developing your own product lines, hoping to be the first in your gay ghetto to introduce a lesbian steak sauce or a gay chewing gum. Keep us posted on your progress. We can hardly wait for the opportunity to indulge ourselves in oodles more of your Out-standing offerings. Bill Sievert's CAMPtalk is a regular feature of LETTERS. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 10, No. 6, June 2, 2000. |