The Case of the Husband-zilla / Eenie, Meenie, Miney Mo…
Dear Dr. Hurd,
Two of our friends are planning a big wedding for early next year. We are all happy for them, but one member of the couple has begun to ask us and our other friends to help with various aspects of the reception. Though we are pleased to be part of things, he has become very demanding and his assignments are using up a lot of time for many of us. How can we let this bridezilla (or would that be husband-zilla?) know that we have lives of our own without hurting his feelings?
Dr. Hurd replies,
Much unreasonable behavior stems from anxiety. Try translating your friend’s demands into anxious statements. If nothing else, it will help you cope by seeing his anxious demands for what they are. For example, when he barks orders, tell yourself, “He’s really saying ‘I’m worried this wedding won’t go well.’”
Naturally he cares about this event more than anyone else could. That’s just human nature. If it were your wedding, you’d care more, and that’s OK. Sometimes people sense it when you’re not as anxious as they are about something important to them. As a result, their anxiety escalates as if to compensate for the lack of anxiety they feel from you. A therapist I know puts it this way: “Sometimes I’m just not anxious enough for others.” She’s calm and tranquil, and this sometimes upsets her friends and/or clients because they think it means she doesn’t care. It’s largely subconscious, but it happens nonetheless.
All that being said, none of this means you should be a doormat. If your friend insists that you do something that you’re unable or unwilling to do, then you must say so. It’s as simple as that. Be nice, but make your feelings clear. It’s hard to admit you’re unable to accomplish some task, but, trust me, it’s far worse to pretend you’re willing to do something when you’re not willing. Talk about raising anxiety and resentment!
The other major cause of a person’s anxiety is entitlement. Some people feel entitled to have you wait on them or do things for them, not because you want to, but because it’s somehow your duty. This assumption can also lead to “husband-zilla” or “bride-zilla” behavior. If that seems to be the case here, then you might want to reevaluate the nature and extent of your friendship with this person. But in the absence of evidence to the contrary, it’s probably best to assume that the main issue is his anxiety. Be patient with him, but also be patient with yourself. Do what you can, and be at peace with your limits—even if he isn’t.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
I know this sounds like an everyday problem and probably pretty boring, but I’m sending it to you anyway. Though my ex and I broke up a couple of months ago, she and I have started to “date” again, and it has been good. The down side is that I met another woman a couple of weeks ago and we are really hitting it off. I already feel like I am cheating on my ex, though she and I have not officially recommitted to one another. I’d like to explore the possibilities with this new person. I haven’t said anything to either of them, because if I do I might lose them both.
Dr. Hurd replies,
Being honest with yourself is the most important thing. If you’re not honest with yourself, you will end up misleading others as well. In the spirit of full disclosure, let your ex know how you feel about her (you have probably already done that). But at the same time, let her know you are still interested in others. If this is a dealbreaker for her, then that’s her prerogative. Leave that to her. But give her all the knowledge she needs to decide this for herself. Any other course that involves lying or purposeful omission will have far worse consequences.
After any breakup, there’s almost always a period of nostalgia. People experience nostalgia after abusive or unhappy relationships, so it’s likely to happen with any former relationship. Nostalgia refers to the emotional phase of remembering only the good parts of a relationship. Though it’s possible your nostalgia has led you to reconsider your ex, be careful. There were probably compelling reasons for why you broke up to begin with. Chances are those reasons will come up again. Spend some time thinking about what those were, so you can keep the full context in mind as you go through these emotional experiences.
Don’t mislead your ex and don’t cheat yourself, either. If you’ve found someone new who might be a better match for you, then go with it. Nothing will be solved by retreating to the familiarity or comfort of your prior relationship if you end up resentful, bored and single—again. Breaking up, as they say, is hard to do. There were reasons why you did it, and be careful to not repeat the same patterns if they didn’t work out the first time.
Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D., LCSW is a psychotherapist and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email questions or comments to Dr. Hurd.