Gay Matchmaker Amari Ice Aims for the Heart
Recently or still single? No sweat. Game-changing, history-making queer matchmaker Amari Ice (who has been recognized by the Matchmaking Institute as the first Black, gay, certified matchmaker in the entire love industry) answers our burning questions on love and relationships.
MIKEY ROX: How did you become a professional matchmaker?
AMARI ICE: Technically, I’m a love coach first—matchmaker and hypnotherapist are tied for second. I primarily help gay singles develop their dating skills and only consider matching a client once their dating skills are already up to par, so they don’t sabotage themselves. I think this approach—coaching 100 percent of my clients—is definitely a key component of what’s made me successful.
MR: Explore the matchmaking process with me. What’s the criteria? How do you know this person is right for that person?
AI: Matchmaking is part science, part art. The art piece is more intuitive and can’t necessarily be taught or described, but anyone can learn the science piece which includes the criteria you asked about. Here’s my easy-to-remember model for assessing whether or not someone is a good match for you.
M: Major Life Values
This is the most important component of compatibility. Your values pave the growth path of your life. If your highest priority values aren’t aligned with your partner’s, you’ll eventually grow apart.
A: Attraction
It doesn’t have to be an immediate or intense pull, but sexual interest must exist in order for romance to exist. The important thing to note here is that chemistry doesn’t predict relationship longevity; passion naturally levels off around the two-year mark in a relationship.
T: Temperament
Temperament is your energetic disposition, aka your personality. If you and your partner’s energetic temperaments aren’t synergistic, you’ll likely have a rocky relationship. While any mature individuals who share major life values can form a happy relationship, there are certain temperaments that you’ll naturally gel with without as much effort.
C: Capacity to Meet Needs
Your partner must have certain mental, emotional, spiritual, and/or material qualities in order for you to be happy. The only way to guarantee that your partner has the capacity to meet your needs in the future is to verify they have the capacity to meet them now; potential might not be developed in this lifetime. Potential is the icing. Capacity is the cake.
H: Hazard Free
This component of compatibility is actually the simplest: To be hazard free means neither of you have any of the other’s deal breakers. But the key is to ensure you aren’t using preferences as deal breakers. For example, someone’s height range is generally a preference, not an indicator of compatibility. But if you’re allergic to cigarettes, smoking would be a deal breaker.
MR: You recently made history by pairing Matt and Daniel, the first successful gay couple in the Married at First Sight TV franchise.
AI: Matt and Daniel are so adorable together, aren’t they?! It was a ton of fun putting that pair together.
MR: You and I—as gay men—know firsthand that queer romance and love, especially between gay men, can be difficult. First, we’re men—inherently sexually charged—but then there’s all this eager and available temptation, only amplified by GPS-based social media. In your honest opinion, can gay men find true love or is it all just a pipe dream?
AI: I take a slightly different perspective on this: All people are sexually charged. Gay men aren’t more sexual than anyone else. However, as a result of cultural unacceptance of LGBTQ+ people, gay men tend to only be able to engage with each other in private, or secret spaces. Love needs more room to thrive. The only reason the closet of sexual orientation exists is because the living room wasn’t a safe space. Gay men can absolutely find—and sustain—true love, but only if they are committed to developing the skills to do so.
MR: We’re all out here looking for the “perfect” partner. Do they exist? Should we settle for “less”? What expectations are realistic, and should we compromise?
AI: Perfect partners don’t exist, but excellent partners do. There are many excellent lovers available for all of us, but if we’re looking for perfect, excellence will never be good enough and perfection will never arrive because it isn’t real. ▼
Mikey Rox is an award-winning journalist and LGBTQ lifestyle expert. He currently lives in his van, saving money and traveling the country. Connect with Mikey on Instagram @mikeyroxtravels.