Dating Doesn’t Have to Be So Scary
Navigating the world of dating in real life or online can feel like traveling through a haunted house. It can be dark. You can find yourself struggling to find your way forward or out. You never really know who or what is behind the next door. And quite frankly, it can be scary. To that end my dear reader, I plead with you to do three things to make it less of a traumatic experience for myself and others in search of our Boo.
The first thing I ask is that you refrain from some of the harrowing language I’ve seen in plenty of dating profiles. We all have preferences but the way we express those preferences shouldn’t be in a way that demeans, devalues, or dehumanizes other people. Scrolling profiles on Tinder, Bumble, Facebook Dating, Grindr, or Jack’d, you’ll find language that isn’t kind at all regarding body types, masculine/feminine presentation, and age. Some of the most abhorrent language I’ve seen over the years (I’ve been single a long time) has been regarding HIV status. Saying ill-informed and harmful things about people living with HIV is not okay. It is hurtful and further perpetuates the stigma that sadly still exists in the world about the virus and those living with it. Words matter.
While it is okay to dress up as a ghost for Halloween, it is not okay to ghost people. If you’re not familiar with the term, ‘ghosting’ is when without warning or explanation a person stops communicating with you. It is fine to conclude that you don’t want to continue getting to know someone or spend time with them. However, when you’ve decided you don’t want to see them or communicate with them, just disappearing and no longer responding to their text messages and phone calls when they reach out to you can be jarring and traumatic to the other person.
You may not ‘owe’ the person an explanation, but when we show up as our best selves, we treat people the way we’d like to be treated. Once, I talked to a guy several times a day every day for almost three months. We went on numerous dates and even spent a holiday together. Then one day I called him, and he never called me back. I followed up with a text after a while because I was concerned that maybe something had happened to him because his behavior seemed out of the ordinary. A week went by, and he finally called me back and carried the conversation like no time had passed since our last. It was the last time we talked. He never called or sent me a message again.
Lastly, I ask that particularly in the use of online dating apps, you refrain from being creepy. One example of creep behavior is fetishizing those who’ve not consented to participating in their fetishization. Seeking out mates while being hyper-focused on their race, ethnicity, or body type and making comments and advances toward them emphasizing those attributes can be unwanted and offensive. Another illustration of creep behavior, often linked to the former example, is sending unsolicited suggestive comments or photos to someone. Before bringing someone on a fantasy voyage with you, stop and ask the person if they want to go. Don’t just assume they want to be a passenger. Other things that can also fall under the large umbrella of creepy include using photos of someone else as your own, sharing photos of other people with your friends without permission, and continuing to reach out to a person after they’ve stated they don’t have any ongoing interest in you.
In sum, these are my requests: Don’t be ghoulish with your words. Don’t ghost people. Don’t be creepy. If we all do our part to contribute to a better and healthier culture of dating in which we all treat others as we’d want to be treated—with dignity and respect—then it doesn’t have to be so scary. ▼
Clarence J. Fluker is a public affairs and social impact strategist. Since 2008, he’s also been a contributing writer for Swerv, a lifestyle periodical celebrating African American LGBTQ+ culture and community. Follow him on Twitter: @CJFluker or Instagram: Mr_CJFluker.