LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
Just Ask Dave & Paul |
Question: I spent the night with this guy and felt a special bond that made it a night to remember. The next day, I saw him on the beach and he was cold and distant. Why are guys like that? Answers: Oh the trials and tribulations of a one night stand. This is not an uncommon scenario. Who amongst us hasn't thought, "What-the-hell-was-that?" as we recoil from such next-day encounters? After the thirst for revenge passes, we're left with the depressing reality that we won't be prancing around Rehoboth in matching swim trunks any time soon. While the What-An-Asshole Theory is popular and feels sooooo good to spread around, it oversimplifies things and may earn us a reputation of our own. Yesyou will bump into your tricks again. One reaction is to blame ourselves. "I'm ugly...I hate myself...I'm not eating for a week...." Or we assume that we were bad at the fine art of sex at the beach. But hey, aren't we all a bit clumsy when it comes to maneuvering around sunburns, oily skin, and sand? Most frightening is the thought that we weren't as attractive the next day, once the alcohol, sweat, and cloaking darkness of the dance hall were gone. Ouch...we hate that theory. But even if it were true that on closer inspection the guy didn't like our looks, we can't possibly be every guy's cup of herbal tea. Dating, especially the "spontaneous dates" common at the beach, involve a first encounter followed by quick decisions about whether to move forward. These decisions may involve our attractiveness. Then again, they may not. We meet guys from different cities, in various stages of relationships, and with careers that don't allow for new commitments. And so our one night stand may be an expression of freedom and disinhibition that can not be so neatly packaged and brought back home. And what of that Asshole Theory? Could it have everything to do with that cold-hearted man? All right, so there are men who, for whatever reasons, are simply not interested in anything beyond a one night stand. But it's not our job to tell them how to live their lives, or to "dis" them to all our friends. Acceptance is ultimately what we crave. If we think one night stands are so wrong, what were we doing in bed with them on the first date anyway? The bottom line: Be open to anything, but expect nothing. And revel in the moments of intimacy that can occur despite the forces of time and circumstance allied against them. If you find yourself hurt a lot by these next-day rebuffs, maybe sex-at-first-sight isn't right for you. Really, is guiding a spoon full of whipped cream clear across a restaurant table into the mouth of your date any less intimate than a romp between strangers? Dave Dave, you're being so nice today! You must have had a "good weekend." You're right that there are a dozen innocent reasons why someone who was sweet that first night in bed may act like a jerk the next day. (You left out the possibilities of indigestion, constipation, and a bad upbringing.) But sometimes understanding and mercy must be tempered with justice. Let's face it: some guys are users. It's one thing to have sex with someone you just met. People should know the rules of that game, and not be surprised when it turns out it wasn't really a first date. But it's another thing if somebody misleads, manipulates, and cruelly rebuffs the natural expectations that arise from acts that were, after all, until recently officially reserved for couples who signed a lifetime contract. The key to fair play, in my mind, is absolute honesty. If you lie to get what you want ("Of course I want to see you again."), I say: user, user, user. If you find yourself saying things that sound too romantic, given the circumstances ("I've never met anyone quite like you."), watch out! You may be fooling yourself as well as your partner. Beyond even that, the nicest guys recognize that strong feelings are in play in these situations, and watch for subtle signals that they and their new "friend" aren't on the same wavelength. Ignoring those signals and taking only what you want, knowing that the other person is hoping for more, only leads to hurt and anger later on. Paul Between the two of them, Dave and Paul practice psychology and law in the mid-Atlantic region. In this column, they will ludicrously attempt to apply the latest in scientific research and philosophical analysis (and maybe even some common sense) to problems of life at the beach. Questions may be sent to DaveandPaul@hotmail.com. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 9, No. 10, July 30, 1999 |