LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
My Queer Life: Not What the Doctor Ordered |
by Michael Thomas Ford |
What is it with straight people thinking they have it so good? In a recent broadcast of her popular radio show, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, known to her legions of fans as simply Dr. Laura, uttered the now-infamous line, "Hear it one more time, perfectly clear; if youre gay or lesbian, its a biological error that inhibits you from relating normally to the opposite sex." Ignore for a moment that as a counselor, youd think Dr. Laura would have a slightly more informed view on sexuality. Thats not really the point, because her views on most things pretty much originate in the thought processes popularized in the Middle Ages. Whats more intriguing is the motivation behind her statement. For if Dr. Laura is to be taken seriously, one has to accept her unspoken belief that heterosexuality is the pinnacle of human existence. This is intriguing, because if you look at heterosexuality, its not particularly enticing as a way of life. Granted, it is the most popular form of behavior on the planet, but thats not saying much when you consider that many of its adherents are the same people who voted for Reagan and consider golf an actual sport. I dont know about you, but as far as Im concerned wood-paneled station wagons, all-you-can-eat fish fry, and family vacations to the Grand Canyon do not a paradise make. I much prefer a Volvo with a sunroof, sushi dinners, and summers in Provincetown. Besides, I dont have any problem relating to the opposite sex. I think women are great, and some of my closest relationships are with women. Sure, I know lots of gay men who dont have many women in their lives apart from Streisand and Midler. And I know lesbians who wont give anything with a penis the time of day. But I know just as many straight women who wouldnt talk to straight men if it werent for the fact that they sometimes want help carrying the groceries. And I honestly cant think of any straight men I know who would happily go shoe shopping with their gal pals unless they had a foot fetish. So if Dr. Lauras idea of "normal" relations between men and women comes down to being sexually aroused by the opposite sex then no, I dont meet her criteria. But if thats the case, then why not say that heterosexuality is a biological error that inhibits people from relating normally to the same sex? Sure, many heterosexual women have women friends theyre close to. But would they really watch their backs during a rugby scrimmage? And how many heterosexual men do you know who do much with their male buddies besides drink beer and talk about all the women theyd like to "relate" to? If thats normal male bonding behavior, Ill stick to going to Oscar parties and having intelligent conversations with the boys. I suppose Dr. Laura would argue that this is all our fault. After all, if straight guys werent so afraid of being mistaken for queers, maybe they would go to the opera together more often and help each other find pants that make their asses look better. But I doubt it. For one thing, Ive met more than the occasional "straight" man, complete with wife and kids, who goes in search of man-on-man action when he wants to really get it on. And I have many straight women friends who would take a banana split with chocolate fudge sauce over a penis any day. The old hetero thing might be fine when you want to be accepted socially, but when it comes to expressing sexual desire, its frequently another matter altogether. So if now we can remove attraction from the equation, maybe we should revise our definition even more and say that heterosexuality is simply a biological formula for the continuation of the species. This works for me, but in this age of donors and turkey baster babies, its a definition thats teetering on the brink of obsolescence. No wonder Dr. Laura is so afraid of us and thinks were the aberrations. Imagine how her theory would hold up if we were able to eradicate ignorance and prejudice? If society were somehow freed of these restrictions, and we were all free to pair up with whomever we really wanted to, would people indeed conform to the "norm" of heterosexuality? Sure, some would. Maybe even a lot would. But I suspect the majority would fall along a spectrum, neither completely one thing nor another. Dr. Laura frequently says that what we really need is a return to morals, values, and religion. I agree with her on morals and values. I even agree with her on the need for religionsort of. But what Dr. Laura doesnt understand is that religion is only the outward expression of innate spirituality, and that any religion based on fear and easy answers is a weak one. True spirituality teaches acceptance of the divine in all its forms, which is something Dr. Laura knows nothing about. Nor does she understand that the morals and values we need are, quite simply, love and kindness, not holding to an outdated ideal that never really offered anything useful to begin with. Or maybe she does understand this but, because she is conveniently included within the majority that dictates how things should be, she prefers to keep everything just the way it is. Its not at all surprising that Dr. Lauras audience adores her, because they are the ignorant and the confused, the ones with lives so wildly dysfunctional that just hearing Dr. Laura berate them for their stupidity gives them a giant jolt of self-esteem. But you have to wonder about Dr. Laura herself. From her seemingly endless rage, its clear that she gets little from "helping" her listeners. In many ways, she reminds me of the Christian God of my childhoodkindly when you agree with him but willing to turn you into ashes if you dare to say he isnt always right. Is it just possible that, unhappy with her own existence, Dr. Laura has to take it out on those of us who indeed are truly content? I hate to break it to the good doctor, but if what she is passes for normal, Ill happily stay in my sick bed. Michael Thomas Fords newest book, Thats Mr. Faggot to You, is in Lambda Rising and other stores this month. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 9, No. 5, May 21, 1999 |