Student CAMP: Gay Love and Queer Migration Patterns
What I want to talk about today are two new theories I have been working on. These theories will most likely have no practical application in your life, but I'll tell you them anyway. They are, in my opinion, quite interesting. And besides, I have a deadline to make.
The first of these theories I have come to term "Gay Love." "Gay Love" began as a joke. I was trying to explain to my friend (who is straight) why it was that I frequently would become absolutely infatuated with someoneas a friendafter only meeting them once. Honestly, I couldn't quite come up with a way of verbalizing my reasons. Finally, I just blurted out, "it is my Gay Love, which radiates out." And I knew that I was on to something. I began investigating this "Gay Love," and whether or not others had ever experienced a similar phenomenon in their lives. At first, research was grimmany people simply did not understand the concept. "Adam, what is this 'Gay Love?'" they would ask me. In so many words, it is the attachment you feel for other people you barely know. It is quite spontaneous, and frequently occurs because you adore a single aspect of that person: the way they dress, the way they talk, who they date, how cynical their humor is, and so on. Finally, the results began to come inmany other gay people knew exactly what I was talking about. In fact, many of them, particularly raging queens, had "Gay Love" of their own. I felt justified. I had pegged another thing that makes gay people so wonderfully gay: "Gay Love."
Moving on. Kristen (the previous youth columnist) and I often walk through the streets of Rehoboth playing the "BEEP" game. It's actually quite simple. It involves saying the word "BEEP" when you see someone who you think is gay. Then, the other person either confirms or negates your suspicions. This can lead to heated and vicious debate that, almost without fail, degrades into hysterical laughter. It's a wonderful bonding experience, let me tell you. So anyway, a few months back, we began discussing the possibility of judging the relative "gayness" of an entire group of people at a mere glance. We recognized the difficulty of the undertaking, but then threw ourselves into our work whole-heartedly. We knew that, if we succeeded, it would be a great contribution to all of Gay-kind. And succeed we did. At this time, I would like to share with you our findings, which until this moment have been completely top-secret.
Are you ready? Very well, then here we go.
We divided our findings into two main groups: the migration patterns of gay men; and second, the migration patterns of lesbians. Through careful observation, we learned that groups of gay men move, without fail, in "nebulous clouds." A nebulous cloud is an area of sidewalk, roughly shaped like an oval, in which any number of gay men are dispersed without apparent order. This apparent disorder, however, is initially deceptive. After some time, we began to realize that these men are arranged in such a way that they can gossip equally well with as many men as possible, simultaneously. While some details remain unclear, we suspect that there is a very complex scientific and mathematical principle governing this spacing and organizing, one which may very well take into account as many as eleven dimensions. This "nebulous cloud" is the most perfect shape ever observed for the spread of gossip. The amount of information that can be passed through the cloud is massive, and the speed at which this transfer occurs is absolutely mind-boggling. Unnatural, some would say.
Now on to lesbian migration patterns. Lesbians move in what we determined to call "phalanxes." Some of you may very well study war-craft, and thereby will recognize the term. However, I will explain for those of you who don't. A phalanx, or battle phalanx as it is commonly known, is a row of warriors who line themselves upshoulder to shoulderand then walk into enemy lines, shields raised and spears out, doing massive amounts of destruction with very little damage to the offensive army. Lesbians appear to move in similar patterns. These women walk in lines of three or four across (depending on how wide the sidewalk is), and usually two or three lines deep. Sometimes linking arms, sometimes not, these lines are impermeable and uncrossable. The Amazons would have been proud. The idea seems to be to prevent anyone from being able to pass the lesbians, and also to prevent anyone from cutting through their ranks. Reasons for this particular pattern are no doubt numerous, but primarily, we feel it is an assault against the male patriarchy. In other words, "first we take back the sidewalks, then we take back the world. Roar."
On a side note, there are other migration patterns. Bisexuals, while non-committal in sticking to any one pattern, generally seem to lean toward what is called "The Zodiac." Finally, gay men and lesbians together form "The Rainbow Squid." While space limitations prevent me from providing more detail on these, feel free to write me for a detailed essay detailing our findings, which Kristen and I are currently trying to publish. While we are at the moment having difficulty finding a publisher, I would say to look for it sometime early next year. Donations to our publishing fund are most welcome. All personal checks may be made out to "Adam's restaurant expenses"which we were forced to name the account due to the covertness of the project. And, while your donation may not be tax deductible, it will make you feel really, really good, and it will make us feel even better.
Adam is a senior in high school. In his free time, he enjovs studying, writing poetry, playing the piano, acting, and reading anything and everything. He welcomes email at firstname.lastname@example.org.
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 9, No. 13, Sept. 17, 1999