When it comes to gay marriage, our new columnist Marc Acito says, "I don't!"
Every time I open the pages of a gay publication I see the latest on the fight for the rights we gay people have supposedly longed for our whole livesthe right to join the military, to get married and to have kids. I ask you, when exactly did these items become our top priorities? It's as if someone accidentally mixed up the Gay Agenda with the Mormon one.
I don't begrudge those who want these things, but I'm sure if I joined the military I'd be just like Goldie Hawn in Private Benjamin, asking if green were the only color the uniforms came in. And while I admire the efforts of those gays and lesbians who venture to China or Vietnam to get a baby, I simply can't identify with the impulse. I can't even motivate my lazy ass out the door to get bread and milk.
Gay rights activists make compelling arguments in favor of gay marriage, listing very real injustices like tax breaks, hospital visitation, and rights of survivorship among others.
Yeah, whatever.
Me, I just can't get excited about gay marriage cuz I just can't get my head around the thought of a gay wedding. I'm sorry to admit it, but the sight of two guys marching down the aisle looking like headwaiters just doesn't do a thing for me.
Sure, I've fantasized about getting married, but in my fantasies I'm always, well, the bride. What's more, I'm a pretty bride. I know it's shallow, but if I can't look like Audrey Hepburn in the final scene of Funny Faceand believe me, I can'tthen you might as well just forget the whole thing. That moment when everyone rises and turns to the back of the church like they're about to break into a chorus of "Hello, Dolly," that's what I want.
The proponents of gay marriage also neglect to mention the single most important reason to get marriedthe gifts. This, to my mind, is the gravest injustice against gays and lesbians. When straight people ask me why my partner and I haven't had a commitment ceremony I just snarl at them and say, "Because I already went out and bought my own friggin' appliances."
Having been a homo-homeowner for ten years now I've experienced first-hand how household appliances can break down in sympathy with one another, as if they were going on strike. (My partner and I have learned not to discuss financial matters like our tax refund in the kitchen lest our appliances overhear us.) But now I realize why straight people abuse their right to marry and end up divorcing and re-marrying multiple times: they need to replace their appliances.
If you are like me (and if you're reading this, you are, Blanche, you are), then you're probably sick to death of feathering the nests of undeserving heterosexuals. But don't despair, dear readers, as I've discovered a socially acceptable loophole. According to Miss Manners, one need not bring a gift to the actual wedding but can send one afterwards. She doesn't say how long afterwards, so now I just wait ten years to see if the couple stays together. You want that toaster? Earn it, baby. (On a related note, I'd like Ellen and Melissa to please send me back the lettuce spinner I bought them.)
Likewise, my patience is wearing thin with pro-marriage articles in the gay press that feature the likes of "Barry, a systems analyst, and Michael, his life partner of two years." Now, I wish Barry and Michael well, but, puh-leeze, they've been together for two years, for Chrissakes. I've got condiments in my fridge that have lasted longer. Why don't we see if Barry and Michael make it past the "maybe we should open up our relationship" conversation before putting their picture in a magazine, shall we?
Something like fifty percent of all marriages in this country end in divorce. Fifty percent. Those are some sucky odds and I don't see any reason why gays and lesbians will do any better. So you'll forgive me if I don't get too excited about going to your wedding, be it gay or straight.
But I promise to buy you a great anniversary gift when the time comes.
And that, my friends, is The Gospel According to Marc.
Marc Acito and his partner have made it fourteen years without the benefit of marriage, thank you very much. He can be reached in care of Letters or at MarcAcito@home.com.