LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
Parents Have Feelings, Too |
by Kristen Foery |
Coming out to parents is a common ground of fear, anguish, and occasional acceptance among the queer community. Many parents, upon hearing of their offspring's orientation, will become permanently estranged. Others say, "I knew all along; do you want to found a local PFLAG chapter?" The vast majority, however, are in a vast gray zonethey love their child, but are uneasy at heterosexuality being removed from the grand scheme of their child's life. For many of these parents and families, counseling can help them on the path to acceptance.
Dr. James Keehner, a local psychologist, has treated numerous parents of GLBT people over his 26 years of practice. A graduate of Louisville and Catholic Universities, Keehner says that his perspective as a gay man is "invaluable" when helping parents in this situation. "It's much easier to talk about things that you have lived." Keehner states that many parents will run into their negative attitudes and perceptions of gay people when their child's orientation is disclosed. These perceptions are based in society, which in turn is based on a pervasive religious ethic that is ingrained in much of American culture. Particularly for those with a religious tradition, these beliefs are a deeply ingrained part of the self. No parent ever plans on having a gay child, and for some the disclosure causes a profound grief reaction "like finding out that someone has cancer." Homosexuality is something removed from the immediate family that simply happens to other people. Perhaps the greatest source of anger is the "disappointed grandparent expectation"parents have relatively defined expectations for their children, and the shift of expectations is difficult. Parents often are only aware of stereotypical views of homosexuality, and often blame themselves for their child's orientation or hope it to be just a phase. Shame tends to be the most immediate emotion that a parent feels, notes Keehner. These feelings of shame and guilt come from many different sourcesembarrassment from the social stigma of homosexuality, reflections upon a parent's own failure, and fear for the child's well being. Keehner feels that emotions of parents in this situation are layered; anger and disappointment overlay shame and guilt, which likewise overlay pain from the child's "loss." At the very core, however, is fear for the child and the self. The role of therapy for a parent is fairly straightforward parents need to feel that their homophobic feelings are valid while simultaneously discovering their origins and hopefully abandoning them. A key point that many queer people fail to realize is that acceptance is often a slow, drawn-out process. As nice as it would be to have a parent in the pride parade, it will not happen overnight, nor will it happen without the child first accepting their parent's homophobia with the condition that it is being addressed. Education and patience are therefore important on the part of the child. "Queer is a hard word for parents," says Keehner, who notes the great importance of exploring personal foundations of homophobia. Understanding the parent's position, instead of arguing or rejecting their homophobia, can often save a family. A breakthrough often occurs when a parent finally exposes the cause of their homophobia, expresses it, and examines it rationally. Under such scrutiny, homophobia will fall away over time. With the average age of coming out steadily lowering, youth often lead parents through accepting homosexuality where past generations tended to remain closeted to their families for life or never directly admit their orientation. The danger of younger teens coming out is in their own inability to deal with their own or their parent's feelings as valid, as well as not communicating and accepting feelings. Often teens will not understand the far-reaching nature of sexual orientation; they are effectively outing their parents as well, and parents may experience homophobia by virtue of a halo effect. Finding responsible guidance is crucial, especially for someone who is newly out. Keehner believes that many parents who are neither violently homophobic nor ready to put a rainbow bumper sticker on the car can benefit from therapy. It is a means to help a parent with reservations fully accept and love their child, and is invaluable in preserving family relationships. There are many support groups for parents of queer people. The most visible and widespread is Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), which can be found at http://www.pflag.org. In addition, numerous religious denominations, even notoriously anti-gay ones, have groups within them that welcome queer people and their families. A good search engine can direct someone to his or her specific group. Vast print resources are also available. With the many resources and therapy available, it is possible for any willing parent to overcome their homophobia. Kristen would like to thank Dr. Keehner for his gracious interview and notes that his cat takes great pleasure in mauling shoelaces, which is quite an excellent and deep metaphor for something that she has not quite figured out yet. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 11, No. 9, July 13, 2001. |