LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
CAMP Safe |
by Salvatore Seeley |
Safer S/M with Sal
Talking with some guys the other day about safe sex and S/M has made me realize more gay men are participating in kinky sex than I thoughtand not always playing safe. The leather community, however, has shown a constant concern for playing safe, so, I reached into my bag of tricks and grabbed this useful information for those gay men starting out in S/M. S/M is often play, and as such is fun! But S/M can also get intense and powerful. Here are some useful tips for people just getting started. Emotional safety First of all, communicate. Let your partner know what you want and don't want. Keep the dialogue going; watch your partner, be aware of what she or he is feeling and thinking, and respect his or her limits. Establish a safeword, and make it very clear that it will be taken EXTREMELY seriously if used. DON'T assume that your partner shares a fantasy of yours unless you've discussed it with them; just because someone likes being blindfolded doesn't mean they'll enjoy being tied up. And most important, give full permission to both people playing to stop at any time for any reason. Be sensitive. S/M play, which can (doesn't have to! but can) involve helplessness, intense sensation, and psychological domination, is strong stuff; it can reach deeply into someone's soul and bring up childhood traumas or hidden fears, without warning. Be respectful, loving, and careful. Don't let this reality scare you away from S/M, though, if you want to experiment; let it make you more aware and open to what both of you are feeling. Most of all, decide for yourself whether S/M (or elements of S/M) has a place in your sex life; don't listen when someone else tells you "S/M will be OK for you" or "S/M will not be OK for you." Only you can make that decision. Be honest. If you do not want to do something, don't let your partner pressure you into it. When you begin exploring S/M, you may often find yourself with a partner who wants something more than you have experience giving. Doing a scene when you don't really want to can result in anything from a lukewarm scene to something you just wish was over. There is plenty of time...and not pushing, will lay a foundation of trust that will stand you in good stead later. One especially charged kind of play is dominance and submission, in which the bottom gives up some of their freedom of choice to the top, who can command them. Though many people with strong boundaries can play like this perfectly safely, this kind of play can carry some real emotional risks for people with low self-esteem. It may not all be clear-cut, either; there may be some particular activities or roles or words that will make you feel unsafe, scared, or worthless, and you may well want to avoid those activities/roles/words. That is exactly what negotiation is for; you have the right to do what feels good to you and avoid what does not, and you have the right to insist your partner respect your boundaries. (This goes for any relationship, of course, BDSM or no.) The discussion of "when do dom/sub relationships become excessive or abusive" is an ongoing one, and for good reason; it's an important topic. BDSM may at times be therapeutic, but it is in no sense a substitute for therapy. It's been said that "you can't take power from the powerless." A healthy D/S relationship is grounded in mutual respect, and in the knowledge that both partners are choosing this life in a fully informed, non-coerced manner; the submissive is proud to submit, and the dominant is proud to receive the gift of their submission. It is a very different thing from an abusive relationship in which one partner controls the other partner's entire world, with the goal of making that partner irrevocably and helplessly dependent. Physical safety Back to the physical plane: If you are the top, and you are tying your bottom up, keep your attention on what you're doing. Your bottom is going to be blissing out; it's up to you to see that they're comfortable and kept amused. The "amusement" can be as nasty as you please, but see that they don't get bored; that's seldom fun. Indeed, if you as top really are displeased with your submissive for breaking an agreement the two of you had made, ignoring them or sending them away may be the harshest punishment you can administer. But that's pretty advanced. Remember AIDS. Almost everything beyond closed-lips kissing and bare-skin contact is potentially unsafe, unless some kind of latex barrier is used. No unprotected contact between any combination of fingers, genitals, mouth, and anus; use a latex dam (or saran wrap) for cunnilingus or rimming (i.e. oral-anal contact), gloves for manual penetration, condoms on dildos and penises. Use water-based lubricants such as Wet or AstroGlide; OILS AND OIL-BASED LUBES DISSOLVE LATEX. Blood, semen, female secretions, urine... all can carry HIV. Play hard, but play safe. (One interesting thing about S/M is that it expands the range of safe ways for people to pleasure each other! But it also expands the range of unsafe ways to play....) There are more safety tips, but if you want the in-depth skinny e-mail me. Disinfect your S/M equipment after play, by washing with a disinfectant solution. Betadine is probably the most commonly-used disinfecting agent. Definitely disinfect dildos, sharp things, anything that penetrates or that could come in contact with blood. Rubbing alcohol is not as good at cleaning things as it is made out to be; use an agent with antibacterial properties. Fortunately, most S/M activities, such as bondage, spanking, and teasing, are not nearly so severe; you can start out light and build up the intensity as far as you both want to go. Pay attention to what you're doing and use common sense and you'll likely be fine. In general, start out slow and PRACTICE! You will learn quickly and you'll have fun all along the way, and soon you'll learn how to play safe. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 11, No. 8, June 29, 2001. |