LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
Confessions of a Late Bloomer |
by Randy Siegel |
Dividing Up the Silver, Dividing Up the Friends
Shards of blue and white glass were all that remained of one of my favorite glasses. Pistachio shells were ground into the Mexican tile floors, and the house smelled of smoke. Two of my oldest friends had just left my home, and I felt violated, sad, angry and confused. It had been close to four years since I had seen them. While we had stayed in touch during my divorce, it was at arms' length. I needed space. I needed to deal with my divorce as well as coming out. They initiated this meeting sensing we needed to see each other soon or our friendship would dissolve. They were right. They had found out about the divorce by calling the house after I moved out. My ex-wife answered. She had never been one of their favorites, but as she tearfully told her story their attitude changed. They became a player in her drama. Each week they called offering advice and counsel. From the dividing of the silver to the final financial settlement, she told them things about my marriage and divorce my brothers did not know. Now, they were sitting in my kitchen downing their third martini. As the alcohol took its effect, the conversation shifted. It became apparent they had an agenda. They wanted to hear my side of the story. I declined. By telling my side of the story, they became judges, and friends do not make good judges. I sought higher ground. Despite my best intentions, my resolve failed when they threw out an untrue accusation. Others followed. Some of their accusations were totally unfounded. Others were not. They poked at the rawest areas of our marriage. I was on trial, and try as I might, I was doing what I did not want to do. I was defending myself. The questions stopped when they seemed satisfied, although not convinced, with my answers. They were pleased with themselves for having the courage to bring up these difficult issues with me. With the air cleared, we could resume our friendship, they said. I felt battered, bruised and angry. I was disappointed in myself for becoming defensive. I had fallen back into old patterns: I cared too much what others thought. I was also disappointed in them for being so insensitive and uncaring. While they were eager to tell me how well my ex was doing, they were not equally interested in my new life. That made me angry. Finally, I was disappointed in our friendship. Friends do not punish friends, and I felt punished. At the same time, I was sympathetic. No one has written the definitive manual on dealing with divorce. It is hard when close friends go through a divorce. It's hard to listen yet not get involved. It's hard not to take sides and stay friends with both persons. I learned a lot from this experience. The best thing we can do for friends going through a divorce is to love each person unconditionally, and love the individuals as we loved the couple. We as divorced people need to be patient, realizing our friends need time to learn to deal with us differently. We need to carefully choose the people with whom we share the details of our divorce, limiting those conversations to those who are exclusively our friends. More importantly, we should never demand friends take sides. We should respect their right to remain friendly with both parties. The following days, the couple called leaving voice mails that were light and funny. I did not return their calls. Nothing throws light on friendships more than bad times, and few bad times are worse than divorce. I learned true friendships are based on more than history. True friendships are grounded in mutual trust, respect and love. Only then can they survive. Randy Siegel is an Asheville, NC-based writer, speaker and trainer. He can be reached through Letters or RASWriter@aol.com. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 11, No. 8, June 29, 2001. |