LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
CAMPOut: Happy trails to you... |
by Fay Jacobs |
Happy Spring! At least I hope it's spring when you are reading this. At the moment, I'm probably staggering around with jet lag after an overseas trip. But this is being written before I leave, on orders of my taskmaster editor. He, by the way, is off on a trip of his own as I sit writing this column between doing laundry and packing.
At least he didn't have to worry as much about packing in his household as I had to in mine. After all, I have it on good authority that everything in Murray's suitcase was black except for his hankies. Are we surprised? And if, perhaps, Steve and Murray think that I've just committed an unpardonable breach of gossip, I would just say "pay backs are hell." For what? Well, we were at dinner with friends the other night when they pulled out the new Damron's Women's Travel Guide. We were having all sorts of fun looking up gay venues in other cities when I said, "Let's see what it says about Rehoboth." You know that old saying "He's so gay that when you look up the word in the dictionary you see his picture?" Well Bonnie and I looked up Gay Rehoboth in Damron's and found our pictures. Literally. There we were, frolicking on the beach in a CAMP Rehoboth ad. How gay is she? Well, when you read The Best Lesbian Guide to the USA you see her picture. Now that's OUT. Actually, I'm flattered. But it sure was a surprise. And speaking of surprises, how about that nasty little mailbox surprise from Sussex County? Everybody in the government must have been asleep when some genius suggested that they change every address on every home and every business in the entire county so the 911 trucks could find us better. And not only are they changing them, but people with simple addresses, like say, 2 Seaside Drive, would now be 76258971854 Seaside Drive. All of Food Lion Estates is in an uproar. And we are not alone. Every neighborhood in town has door-to-door petitions circulating. Can you imagine what will happen when the delivery guys from Nicola Pizza try to find these new multi-numerical addresses? They'll need calculus to figure out where the sausage and onion belong. And this is to make things simpler??? The goofball who suggested this simple system must own stock in a printing company. Can you see all the stationery and business cards people are going to have to have re-printed? And there's the hardware connection, too. There's a million bucks to be made in house numbers. Hello!!! Sussex County!!! Did it ever occur to you to put every county address into one little computer program that instantly translates the address into your fancy new home-finder code rather than change every damn address in the County? Think about it! If you actually go through with this plan and make every house in Sussex County add six numbers to its address, we'll all be the butt of jokes on Letterman. "Hey, did you hear about that County in Delaware...they changed every address in the county rather than write one computer program. Hey, Delaware, ever hear of technology???? Well, that's Delaware for you!" O.K., Sussex County. Are you listening?????? Stop the Madness!!!! Please don't do this insane thing! And speaking of insane, does it strike anyone the least bit ironic that our latest wildly successful reality show features an incredible bully as hostessjust as we're becoming a nation obsessed (and rightly so) with stopping bullying in our schools? This makes no sense to me. How can we tell kids that bullying is bad when this snippy lunatic on TV is getting huge bucks and huge ratings for humiliating contestants? The people who came up with this one are the real weak links. What they should be is missing links. Okay, so I'm a little stressed out. Packing was never a strong part of my skill set. And now I've come up with a vexing question. Some of you may recall that Bonnie and I generally use the Throw As You Go theory of packing. We take our oldest, shabbiest underwear and socks so we can throw them away each day and have more souvenir room in our bags for our return trip. Now this worked great in France and England, but this time we're on a cruise. Do we take fishing line sinkers? It's a quandary. And you should see some of the stuff we're taking. Two of the four of us will be wearing hospital hose to stave off blood clots caused by cramped airline seatingand this is a threat we take VERY seriously in my house. And we've all got our little airplane neck pillows and now I've been told to try something called EARPLANESlittle things that look like corn on the cob handles that I'm supposed to stick in my ears to keep the pressure from building up. I don't know how flight attendants keep from laughing at the stupid passengers. Earlier tonight, I had just about finished packing when our travel buddies called with the news that an uncharacteristic cold snap is about to descend on Spain. Goody. Now I'm rooting through the closet looking for long sleeved thingies that match the thingies already crammed in the luggage. If I hadn't already packed my anti-anxiety pills, I'd take one. I need a vacation!!!! At this point, I'm the weakest link. So, as that bully likes to say, "Gooooodbye!" Editor's note: You'll be happy to know that Fay has just returned rested, calm and penniless. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 11, No. 5, May 18, 2001. |