LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
Confessions of a Late Bloomer |
by Randy Siegel |
Gay Parents, Straight Kids
Searching for a silver lining during the dark days of my divorce, straight friends offered, "At least you didn't have children." While my coming out and subsequent divorce may have been less complicated without children, I had regrets. When I was first married, I couldn't wait to have children. My bride was less enthusiastic, but I was confident I would win her over in time. I gave up my dream of being a dad the day I admitted my homosexuality to myself. I knew it would be hard enough telling my wife I was gay and leaving. I couldn't imagine telling my child, too. Having children is one of the top reasons gay men marry and telling their children they are gay is one of the top fears homosexual fathers face. "Telling my wife I was gay was terrifying," a friend shared, "but it paled in comparison to telling my son that his dad was a fag." Six to ten million children in the U.S. have at least one parent who is gay, according to COLAGE, Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere. How these children accept the news depends in part on how it is presented. Children with a gay parent say the sooner they are told the better. Experts say children are less likely to blame themselves for a divorce when coming out precedes the announcement of a divorce. Therapists agree it's best if both parents are involved, even if it means waiting until both parents become more comfortable with homosexuality. The more assured the parent is of his or her sexual orientation, the easier it is for children to accept homosexuality. "Don't let your issues become your child's issues," one gay father counseled. He took time to address his own homophobia before talking to his son. Waiting can be risky, another parent whose son learned of his sexuality from a neighbor's child cautioned. "If the closet door is shut, make sure it is shut tight," he said. "Nothing is worse than for your child to hear the news from someone else." "I never even had a chance to talk to my kids," a father bitterly shared. His ex-wife told his children without his involvement. Angry and hurt, she used the children as a weapon against him. The straight spouses' attitude plays an important role in how children accept the gay parent's sexuality. Even though the parents are separating, it's important to maintain a united front. While a straight spouse can help children more quickly adjust, it's the gay parent who must bear the biggest burden of helping children cope. Amity Pierce Buxton, Ph.D., author of The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families, suggests, "Listen to their anger, tears, and accusation without putting up walls to defend yourself. Wipe their tears and cry with them. Show you understand their anger. Explain with confidence your new identity; don't argue." Above all, tell the children they are loved and their relationship with their gay father or mother will not change. Regardless of the child's age, children crave safety and security. In fact, most experts agree that the actual divorce has more potential to harm a child than the disclosure of sexuality. Methods of disclosure vary with circumstances and parent's communications styles. Some of my friends told their children with their spouses. Others did not include their spouse, although they made sure spouses were aware of what was taking place. Some wrote a letter then followed up with a face-to-face conversation. No one I spoke with called. Everyone agreed telephone calls were not effective. Many children are afraid to ask questions for fear of alienating their gay parent. Creating a relaxed, intimate atmosphere in which the child feels comfortable to ask questions helps opens the lines of communication. Children's reactions vary according to the age and subsequent concerns of the child. Young children may not totally understand the impact of such an announcement, while older school children may fear classmates' taunts. Many children worry about the gay parent. "Having a parent who is gay gets tougher once you begin to realize the word gay no longer means happy," one son shared. Most gay parents I talked with agreed patience is key. Regardless how much a gay parent wants to be open, changes should be introduced slowly. Coming out, separation, divorce, dating and the introduction of a new partner can be overwhelming for the child if introduced too fast. With each event, gentle, open and honest communications becomes key. "Telling your child you are gay is one step in a many-step process," a gay father emphasized. Finally I asked these fathers if they would have had children if they could do it over again. None regretted having children. Most said their kids were their lives' greatest achievement and joy. Hearing them, I couldn't help but to look back at my marriage with some regret. As hard as leaving may have been, I would have been a great dad. Randy Siegel is an Asheville, NC-based writer, speaker and trainer. He can be reached at RASWriter@aol.com. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 11, No. 5, May 18, 2001. |