LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
STRAIGHT Talk |
by Charlie McGrath |
Cal Thomas is into therapy again, still having trouble resolving his homophobia. His column "Sexual direction collision" in the Sunday Washington Times (May 13, 2001) "shouts" his pain. Resolving his internal conflicts will not be possible here. My humble goal is to alert those souls who have jumped aboard his evangelical ship. Check your life boats, you have some stormy seas ahead. Cal says, "Many homosexuals with whom I have spoken are not aware of the availability of nonjudgmental counseling to help them escape the 'gay life'." What a contradiction in terms! Somehow "nonjudgmental counseling" starts to smell a little fishy when we attach an "escape" clause. Counseling is not about constructing little boxes of our belief systems and then trying to fit others into them. It starts with accepting people where they are. Carl Rogers, a pioneer in nonjudgmental therapy was clear with what a beneficial therapeutic relationship was, "(the patient) becomes increasingly able to experience, without threat, the therapist's unconditional positive regard and to feel an unconditional positive self-regard (my emphasis)." We may have lacked this feedback in childhoods usually from one parent or both. It is what many of us are still searching for as adults. If we decide to counsel we will need to really feel and experience this unconditional positive regard. Only then does this message of empathy have a chance of acceptance. In our personal life we can rekindle this paradigm with our children or our parents. What we are considering at this moment is self. Who is Cal Thomas trying to cure of what? Is it "promiscuous lifestyle and unstable, stormy relationships?" We have lots more of those in straight relationships. Could it be our, "conflicts with our religious values?" I have had that conflict for many years and it has nothing to do with how I feel about homosexuality. I may hook up that caboose in this column someday. I have enough material on sex and religion to fill a hundred boxcars. The conflict with wanting to stay married and being drawn to the gay/lesbian lifestyle can be difficult but judging it as sinful or evil is not helpful. Considering it as unwanted behavior may work. When you decide that you need counseling, where do you go? As you would guess I would not recommend Cal Thomas or his "nonjudgmental" counselors. You may chuckle, but your favorite bartender, special aunt or grandmother, would be my first suggestion. Not only for the economics, but because you are mainly looking for someone who will listen and fill in the "blanks." Cal Thomas' column only mentions psychiatrists. Many are using their MD for dispensing medications only and because of counseling's poor financial return are referring clients for counseling. What is left are a lot of titles after names that can be significant, especially in certain pathology, but what we need requires more than a title. The absolute number one requirement has been stated earlier. You don't get it out of books, because it is the one course that most sex therapists know cannot be taught in a formal course. This requirement for true unconditional non-judgment requires a particular life experience, a talent and a commitment. It is work where few are called. I would ask if you love your partner and feel sexual towards that person. Then why would you want to give that person up for the judgments of a third entity. This third entity is where we begin. You start by recognizing that you feel good about any psychological-emotional situation only when you have two conditions: 1. A feeling of personal well being and joy in what you are doing. 2. The support of your peer group. (Which really is #1 for many) Number one will come from telling the truth to yourself and having positive feedback from number two. If your peer group is meeting with Cal Thomas, or those with similar beliefs you know where you are heading. It is a dead end. You know you have the support of a community here in Rehoboth. You will also find the support group you need. They are in almost any religious denomination. You can even start your own. Trust your feelings and your spirit guides. Certain personalities have more problems than others with undeserved loyalty toward a particular group. This loyalty can become pathological and hinder growth. You may need counseling to break free. Charlie McGrath, MA Psychotherapist can be reached by e-mail at kylerin@earthlink.net |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 11, No. 5, May 18, 2001. |