LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
Student CAMP: Polite Lesbian Dating at an Ivy League University - A Guide |
by Kristen Minor |
Darling Readers, Those of you with sapphic tendencies have as of late been besieging me with pleas as to the polite and proper way to challenge traditional dating roles at a venerable Ivy League institution. It seems that there are legions of co-eds who find themselves flummoxed when confronting the idea of dating the softer sex. To you, Miss Lesvos says fear not, for she has taken it upon herself to produce a guide that shall make the gentle reader the center of attention of throngs of ladies with sensible shoes. It is therefore with great humbleness that you are presented with:
Miss Lesvos' Guide to Lesbian Dating at Dartmouth As told to Kristen Minor by Miss Lesvos I. Personal Appearance It is only natural that the well-groomed and presentable lady is the first to catch the eye of a respectable co-ed. To this end, it is vital for a woman seeking companionship to constantly be aware of and affirm her delicate good looks. Miss Lesvos, being a firm traditionalist, is a strong believer that women should always have their ankles covered. Doubtlessly some of the more worldly readers will point out that many females on this campus walk around brazenly showing their ankles to any Jane-come-lately. Ladies, beware! These women are homosexuals of ill repute, and one should never associate with them. Miss Lesvos recognizes that one of the most vital elements of the sapphic appearance is that of the hairstyle. Indeed, Miss Lesvos encourages the readership to experiment (as it were) with a variety of colors and lengths. It has not escaped the attention of Miss Lesvos that a particular subset of the sisterhood engages in the practice of trimming their hair to mere centimeters in length. Those fond of this particular style can engage in merry and wholesome fun by having a make over party where they style each other's hair and discover their most flattering makeup and personal accessory combinations. Above all, ladies, do keep in mind that you are not dressing for yourself or your own comfort, but rather for those around you. One never knows when paths may cross with administrators, faculty, or other members of high society, and it is therefore essential to be prepared to cordially greet all persons in the proper manner and attire. II. Meeting Those Similarly Inclined Perhaps the greatest difficulty that those worshippers of the feminine face is the proper location with which to interact with one another. While there are many locales where this is possible, some are far more fertile ground. The reader may perhaps be familiar with the great social institution known as the sorority. These proud organizations have grand traditions of service and sisterhood and attract well-spoken sapphic ladies in veritable droves. It is very easy to engage these lovely ladiessimply pay a visit to one of their social centers, commonly found on the bottom floor of their houses. For the more demure and reserved ladies, Miss Lesvos recommends a measure of the marvelous socializer, alcohol. In sufficient quantities, even those deeply averse to embracing their lesbianism may do so quite vocally. This is to be encouraged, as it provides much lighthearted merriment. Similarly, many athletic organizations contain those ladies strongly pulled by the power of sisterhood. Fortunately for those ladies wishing to remain in a single location for their evening's entertainment, many athletes are involved in Hellenic organizations. It must be noted that the true litmus test for any group of women regarding their suitability as a dating pool is to determine what percentage of their membership possesses unshorn legs. A true lady, upon learning that the percentage is upward of.03, should immediately disregard these loose women as homosexuals of ill repute. III. The First Date After a lover of ladies has found a suitable woman, the invitation to courtship must be extended. A floral-scented note is traditional, but one might strive for originality to be distinguished from other suitors. For example, hiring an a capella group to harmonize your plans for the evening is a well-crafted attention getter. Ladies, if you receive one of these invitations, the proper way to accept is to wait a period of exactly three days before sending a trusted gentleman to note your acceptance. Remember, the too-eager woman presents herself as loose. Should you find the suitor lacking and wish to decline, simply refrain from any and all personal contact with them for the remainder of your college career. If they are so bold as to call on you, simply refuse to acknowledge their very existence. The polite suitor, when confronted with this, should immediately drop all pursuit. It may be necessary to make superficial changes to respective social circles, but this duty should be taken on with grace, as should all feminine obligations. If a lucky suitor does find their invitation accepted, there are many locations to take a lady. Do keep in mind that it is the suitor, not the pursued, who determines the course of the evening as well as the future events within the relationship. Miss Lesvos has often been questioned as to the properness of engaging in sexual congress on the first date. It is, providing that the intercourse is done very quietly in a closet. At no point in time is any public display of affection appropriate. Such things are vulgar and upsetting to bystanders. IV. After the First Date If both young ladies deem the first date satisfactory, then the suitor may schedule further acts of courtship as time permits. After a period of three weeks, both parties must deem the relationship a success or failure, with slightly more priority given to the suitor's opinion. Should the relationship be deemed unsuccessful by either party, be it after the first date or third week, then the situation must be treated as that of a rejected initial invitation and both parties must immediately cease communication. If more joyous opinions are expressed and the relationship is deemed successful, then it is appropriate to change living arrangements and, as vulgarians put it, "shack up." At this point all contact with others should severely diminish or cease as the ladies enjoy each other's company. After a period of six months and then continuing at six-month intervals the ladies may opt to deem the relationship a continuing success, a loss, or, popularly, one lady may secretly seek another suitable lady to court. This frequently acts as a catalyst for the initial relationship's failure but is understood to be one of the natural elements of sapphic relationships. V. Conclusion Ladies, Miss Lesvos hopes that readers found this guide enlightening. Lesbian dating in college is a vibrant, thriving activity, and it is right and proper for the sapphic lady to know what is expected of her. Happy courting! Kristen Minor is a member of the class of 2004 at Dartmouth College, where she has never dated anyone. She would like to thank her longtime girlfriend Jennifer for her eternal patience and can be reached at kristen@youth-guard.org. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 11, No. 14, October 19, 2001. |