LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
Gay 'n Gray: Absence Makes the Heart Grow... |
by John Siegfried |
Howard comes back from a long weekend in New York City tomorrow morning. It wasn't particularly planned as a vacation. It was really a thinly disguised escape from Ft. Lauderdale on the weekend that my daughter and granddaughter would be visiting. But it was a vacationfrom each other.
For couples, gay or straight, who see togetherness as the be all and end all, the concept of a vacation from each other might sound like sacrilege. But many couples who have been together for a long time recognize that separation has its benefits. We've always had times when we're apart, and have valued those experiences, however, since making Florida our home last May, this is our first separationand we were both ready for it. After dropping Howard at the airport on Thursday at 5 a.m., and negotiating the car security check prompted by Code Orange, I went back to our condo and resumed my usual routine. I read the New York Times and the Sun Sentinel while sipping my morning coffee and then I went down to the pool for my morning mile. The first thing I became aware of in Howard's absence was the silencehow quiet the apartment was without him. I'm not implying that Howard makes a lot of noise. He doesn't. And there are long periods of most days when he's gone and I'm home in silence. But the silence I experience when he's out of town has a different quality. It's more pervasive, more profound and without the possibility of interruption. Since I'm a closet member of the Sisters of Silence, it felt good to me to be alone and quiet. It also felt good to be totally in charge of my own schedule. I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, without consultation or compromise. When we go to the beachwhich like most residents of beach communities is less frequent as a resident than when we were tourists or visitorsHoward likes to get there before ten and leave by one in the afternoon. That schedule guarantees a parking space and avoids the congestion. I like late afternoon on the beach and I made it a point in Howard's absence to indulge myself and watch the beach crowds thin and the sun sink. The late afternoon on the beach was beautiful with air temperature in the mid-eighties and the water temperature in the mid-seventies. I was sorry I didn't have a martini with me, but then I might never have made it home. Friday night in Ft. Lauderdale is always a big night for gay seniors to gather at either Chardee's or Tropics, or any of the other twenty or so gay bars in town. That's our usual pattern as well. But whether it's senility or maturity setting in, my reasoning on Friday night in his absence was that if I wanted alcohol, I have a cabinet full of it at home. The drinks are cheaper, but I must admit the bartender at homemecan't compete with the hunks and cuties serving drinks around town. If the impetus for a visit to the bar is to visit with friends, forget it. The bars are so crowded and noisy on a Friday night that conversation's not a possibility. And if my desire is for a pick-up, that too can be cancelled. I may not be pure as the driven snow, but I'm not going to invite stress into our relationship nor diminish its integrity with a one night stand, particularly in a town that has no six degrees of separation and where dish is a dietary staple in the gay community. So Friday night found me at Borders Books where a young classical guitarist was playing in the caf. She was great and I bought her CD, which at fifteen dollars is still a cheap night compared to a concert, or a trip to the bar. Friends came in for dinner on Saturday evening and these men are closer to the family category than they are to friend. They are close enough that I can get away with serving soup and a salad, which is my favorite meal anyway, and ask them to bring the dessert. Bob, who is an excellent baker produced a wonderful Lady Baltimore cake. How gay can you get? I'm good at making Jello but it's all down hill after that, particularly in the cake and pie category, so I'm always grateful for help. The few days without Howard have been a great time to indulge myself, enjoy solitude in limited doses and contemplate my navel and other interesting parts of the anatomy. But enough is enough and I'll be delighted in the morning when the silence isn't so golden and we head to the beach at ten and Friday takes us back to Chardee's. It's trueabsence really does make the heart grow fonder. I love time alone in small quantitiesand the joy of reunion is worth waiting for. John Siegfried, a retired pediatrician and pharmaceutical executive, lives in Ft. Lauderdale but retains strong ties to Rehoboth Beach. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 13, No. 3, April 4, 2003 |