LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
BOOKED Solid |
Review by Rebecca James |
Dress Codes: Of Three GirlhoodsMy Mother's, My Father's, and Mine By Noelle Howey, 2002
This is the story of three girls grappling with the confusing, but commonplace, angst of adolescence. They have a shared interest in soft, fuzzy sweaters and arguing with their parents. The only difference is that one of them is named Dick. Transgendered people are still a frequently underserved and misunderstood group, even within the gay community, often saying that they feel like they have been lumped into the GLBT group when they may identify as straight. The differences between struggling with one's sexuality or one's gender identity are the subject of Howey's new book, Dress Codes. While women have broken many gender-defined barriers in society, especially regarding dress, men are still very much locked into what is acceptable as masculine attire. As Howey pointed out in an ABC interview, women who wear a boyfriend's shirt are considered sexy; men are not afforded the same image. Even within the gay community, which is often perceived as more flexible about gender and dress, there seems to be unspoken limits about what is funny and entertaining and what is "weird." Before reading Howey's book, I never really thought about it before, but there is a huge difference between dressing in drag and passing as the opposite sex. After all, drag queens are amazing and beautiful because they are as much an embodiment of what it means to be a woman as Barbie is, which is to say, not at all. They are glitzy and over the top. We are meant to stare and admire. Not so with someone who truly identifies as the gender opposite to their outward, biologically assigned one. A common response by straight people upon hearing someone is gay is, "I just don't get it." Preferably, it is preceded by, "It's alright by me but..." When someone used this phrase with me, I was a little frustrated. What is there to "get," I wondered. It was all perfectly natural and simple enough to me. But isn't that original phrase just a vocalization of how transgendered people are perceived by gay and straight people alike? I found that I was very comfortable with my label of "lesbian." It was clear, it made sense, I had a place. When a friend's colleague, who identified as lesbian, began the female to male transition a few years back, I remember thinking, "But what does that make her? I mean him? What does that make her girlfriend?" Gay or straight, in any part of society, labels and structure is desirable. As a society, we don't want to have to think too hard. Labels make life easierfor some of us. Howey's book explores these ideas and more as she relates her experiences as a young girl whose father eventually comes out as transgendered. From the beginning, it is clear that Howey is not angry, screwed up, or damaged (or any other accusation the right wing may think up). The book is at once humorous, sad, and hopeful. Howey has a self-deprecating wit that is engaging and welcoming. By the end, the reader feels as Howey does: while by no means easy, Dick's transition is normal and necessary. Howey organizes the book so that the reader easily finds parallels among the three "girlhoods." She moves through the decades from her own adolescence to her mother's, to her father's, and back with ease. In the chapters that pertain to her childhood, we see a Dick very different from the woman he becomes. Howey's father was moody and regularly drank himself into a stupor while parked in front of the television. His few words to his wife, his high school sweetheart, and their only child were harsh. Howey spent her younger years fearing time spent alone with her quietly raging father. She grew closer to her mother, but the little girl who loved dress-up couldn't always identify with her plain and sometimes dowdy mother. In subsequent chapters, the reader learns that Dick struggled with his gender identity from a very young age. His journal often repeated the code "I.W.T.B.A.G.:" I Want To Be A Girl. He knew early on that such feelings could only be expressed in private; he spent most of his life being ashamed. It wasn't only that he wanted to wear his mother's soft dresses; he wanted it to be expected of him, like all the other little girls. When he meets Dinah, he thought everything would be OK. His confession of his preference for angora was met with an understanding giggle. "Me, too," she said. Dick and Dinah get married, and for a little while, dressing up for his wife is enough. She didn't like it, but she loved him and wanted him to be happy. After a few years, however, Dick became increasingly dissatisfied and miserable. He quickly evolved into the grumbling, bearded man Howey feared as a child. Howey describes her father's growing frustration with remarkable insight. She clearly listened and struggled to truly understand her father's feelings after he came out (via her mother) to her as a teenager. Once Dick's secret is out (at least within the family), an interesting shift takes place. Against her better judgment and, in retrospect, with a significant amount of humor and empathy, Howey and her father slowly grow closer. Her "Da," as she now refers to her father, is for the first time in his life happy. The hardest part for me as a reader to recognize was that "he" is happier as "she" even with the horrible way she is treated by some friends, family, and community members. It is always difficult to realize that you've been less than empathetic, even theoretically, to someone emerging from such a life-affirming transformation. Dick, now Christine, went through adolescence with his daughter, questioning everything (gender identity and affectional orientation) to finally become whole. Noelle Howey's Dress Codes earned her the admiration of many readers, who congratulated her on her maturity and dedication. Howey at times questions this admiration because it seems as though these people felt she had done more than she needed to, that her Da wasn't entitled to her understanding and support simply because she is a human being. They admired Noelle while simultaneously rejecting Christine. An excellently written story by a talented writer, Dress Codes will make you think, but it will also make you smile. Rebecca James lives in Allentown, Pennsylvania, where she teaches 11th and 12th grade English. She can be reached at rajenglish@hotmail.com. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 13, No. 12, August 22, 2003 |