Lipstick & Dipstick
|Dear Lipstick & Dipstick
I am fairly attractive and have no problem meeting guys. How do I get beyond a simple sexual hookup and find a long term relationship?
Ready for Relationship in Raleigh
Dipstick: If you want filet mignon, you don't go to Red Lobster. If you want a Porsche, you don't go to a Chevy dealer. And if you want a relationship, you don't go to the gay bar. Put yourself out there where the marrying-kind are. Start hanging out with your coupled friends. Have them introduce you around. Take out a personal ad and be honest about what you want. I know plenty of guys that are in the same boat as you. Can I give them your number?
Lipstick: I just got off the phone with my Nana and you can get a filet at Red Lobster. Raleigh, listen to Lipstick, amidst the bottom feeders, there are plenty of mountable fish swimming around at the barsthey're on the dance floor and yelling bingo, just like you. Dipstick, when you were single decades ago, you went out to the gay bars, remember? Girl, you used to be one wild butch! Anyway, Raleigh, my point is if we (this includes you) went to the bars trolling for a relationship, there have to be other sushi-grade fish out there, too.
Dipstick: Right. And you can get sushi at Safeway, too, but trust me, that's not the fish I'd take home to my mother. Lipstick, just because you've found love at the dyke watering hole, doesn't mean that's the ideal place to meet Mr. Right. Trust Dipstick, by joining a book salon, gay boating club, or fairy dancing circle, you might meet someone with whom you have more in common than just Sex on the Beach.
Dear Lipstick & Dipstick
I identify as a lesbian and have been out for years. Recently, I've been spending time with an FTM person and they are interested in more than friendship. I like this person very much, but my old school feminist side is telling me NO! What should I do?
Perplexed about the Peter
Dipstick: First of all, honey, he is a man, not a "they." I don't know what you learned in feminist school, but it's time to go back to class. Let Dipstick teach you about lesbian feminism and while I'm at it, Trans Liberation 101. Feminism and transsexualism are not mutually exclusive. As a matter of fact, most of the FTM people I know are also ardent feminists because they acutely understand the sting of sex-role stereotyping. Your transsexual friend did not choose his gender identity any more than you chose your sexual orientation. Most likely, he's been male-identified all of his life. But before you ask him about that, let's continue your education. Stop by the bookstore and pick up Becoming a Visible Man by Jamison Green. You'll learn not only what life is like for a transsexual person, but also the kind of discrimination FTMs have endured from certain wings of the lesbian feminist community. All that aside, let's get to the real issue: fear. You're a lesbian who's found herself attracted to a man. That's got to be scary and confusing. Is it really your feminist side that's terrified, or the imagined voices of your lesbian posse who'll dis-invite you to their potlucks and music festivals? You're not the first lesbian to fall for a man, and you won't be the first dissed by disapproving dykes. But ultimately, it's your life. Live it!
Lipstick: Now, sister, after the bell rings, head down the hall and see me in I'd-Be-Scared-Shitless-210. I feel your struggle. Imagining myself in your Birkenstocks, I also hear the internal feminist; loudly, she's giving me a mixed message. Stand in the truth of who you are, she says, and don't judge the book by its cover. At the same time, from her pink pulpit, she's also telling me I'm a damn lesbian who doesn't date dudes. You're in a multi-layered mess, Perplexed, one you're going to have to peel your way through. I say, despite the fear, give Petera brave soul who's honored who he is and taken a courageous stepa chance. If you're interested, and it sounds like you are, don't close the door in his face. Be honest with Peter: tell him how you're feeling and what you're afraid to feel. You've got to grab happiness when you can.
Something on your mind? Need answers to life's most pressing questions? Drop Lipstick & Dipstick a line at www.lipstickdipstick.com. Lipstick & Dipstick will make you think about where you stand, how you stand and which shoes you stand in.
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 15, No. 10 July 29, 2005