WEEKEND Beach Bum
|by Eric Morrison
|Interview with a Varmint
I have a confession to make to Letters readers and the GLBT community in general (not to mention my ex-boyfriends). I am NOT gay. There, I've said it at last! In truth, since I "came out of the closet" in 1993, I have been masquerading as a gay man and fabulous female impersonator solely for political purposes. I am part of a growing conservative religious effort to undermine the homosexual agenda, which does exist, no mater what Harvey Fierstein says. In the following interview, I chat with fellow ultra-conservative Ronald Rightwing, perhaps best known for his fire-and-brimstone rantings outside local Ikeas and Homo Depots on Sunday mornings.
EM: Mr. Rightwing, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule of condemnation and casting stones in order to meet with me this morning.
RR: I'm happy to be here, Mr. Morrison. Please let me commend you on your twelve-year fantastic farce to help us expose the insipid homosexual agenda. By the way, this place where we're meeting is just wonderful. So many fine, upstanding young men, and I love this Bloody Mary! What's the name of this cozy little place?
EM: It's called the Blue Moon, Mr. Rightwing. Isn't it divine? Anyway, please tell me, in your opinion, what is the homosexual agenda?
RR: That's simple. It's an obvious ploy to pull the youth of our nation into this perverse lifestyle. You see, homosexuals cannot produce children, so they need to lure them into this debilitating lifestyle in order to bolster their ranks. Without recruiting children, the homosexual community would die out completely in only a few years.
EM: That's fascinating, Mr. Rightwing. People like Rupert Everett, Chastity Bono, and even some learned teachers and scientists might respond that homosexuality has been around since the beginning of time, and that it could even be genetic. There are a pair of homosexual penguins in a New York zoo, I think it is, and a study released just last week showed that if you change one chromosome in a fly, you can change its sexual orientation, producing, of course, a "fruit fly," if you'll pardon the pun.
RR: Bull-pucky! Our founding fathers were not frolicking in frocks! Look at what happened to Rome! Homosexuality ran rampant and God unleashed his judgment upon that sin-soaked empire.
EM: I hear you loud and clear, Mr. Rightwing. And those silly professors keep telling us that the fall of Rome transpired due to poor government, overexpansion, enemy invasion, and lead in the aqueducts. Speaking of God, the Bible's book of Leviticus clearly condemns homosexuals, but homosexuals repeatedly counter that Leviticus also decries such trite things as touching the skin of a pig, sitting where a menstruating women has sat, and mixing fibers in clothing. Your
RR: That's just ludicrous, Mr. Morrison. Those other issues were meant to protect the health of the Jewish people. Pigs can carry a host of diseases, and there were many superstitions surrounding a woman's "special time." But God meant it when he condemned homosexuals. I know because He told me so. Now, I'm a little bit more liberal on scriptural interpretation than my lovely wife. To this day, she will not wear more than one material in her clothing!
EM: I believe you, Mr. Rightwing. Who didn't notice that tacky, lime-green, 100% polyester pantsuit your wife wore to the recent, $1,000-a-plate, "Friends of Families" fundraiser?
RR: Now just a minute, Mr. Morrison...
EM: I apologize, Mr. Rightwing. I guess I picked up some of that queeny bitchiness during my incognito time as a homosexual! Moving on, now, what do you think about the recent parade of cartoon characters spouting the homosexual agenda, like Tinky Winky and SpongeBob SquarePants?
RR: It's another transparent, deplorable example of the homosexual attempts to recruit children. Sexuality has no place in cartoons, with the possible exception of the Power Puff Girls and Sailor Moon.
EM: Couldn't it be argued, Mr. Rightwing, that if homosexuality is in fact genetic, children could not possibly be recruited, but since religion and beliefs are not genetic, the conservatives are the ones doing the recruiting?
RR: Baloney! I was born with an American flag in my left hand, a Bible in my right hand, and...
EM:...a pole up your ass, some might say?
RR: Better a POLE up my ass than a...
EM: Hey, now! This is a family publication, Mr. Rightwing. By the way, isn't it true that the homosexual lifestyle is rife with promiscuity?
RR: That is correct. I've been with thousands of men.
RR: Uh...nothing, nothing. I guess this Bloody Mary is stronger than I thought! What I meant to say is that I've been with thousands of homosexual men who have told me how saddened they are by their promiscuity. I certainly don't know of any promiscuous heterosexuals, do you?
Homosexuals can change, you know? My organization's website, www.gaybegone.com, helps homosexuals deal with their deep psychological issues and become successful, contributing, sin-free, heterosexuals, with minimum permanent brain damage from the electroshocks.
EM: You're truly a savior, Mr. Rightwing! It's ironic that so many conservatives have homosexual sons and daughtersPhyllis Schlafly, Dick Cheney, Randall Terry, and the list goes on. If homosexuality is not genetic, how do you account for this irony? Did these bastions of Christian morality fail as parents?
RR: Not at all, Mr. Morrison. No one is perfect and we all do the best we can. I know Newt and Randall quite well, and I really, really know Dick.
EM: I bet you do! I think we're just about out of time, Mr. Rightwing. Any final comments?
RR: No, but I do have a question for you. I don't know Rehoboth very well and I'm attending a party tonight in honor of Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and Anita Bryant. Where could I pick up a good gift?
EM: Right down the street is Lambda Rising. I think you'd find all kinds of wonderful gift ideas there, Mr. Rightwing. Thank you for your time, and please keep working diligently to save the nation!
Both Eric and Mr. Ronald Rightwing accept emails at firstname.lastname@example.org.
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 15, No. 7 June 17, 2005