LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
WEEKEND Beach Bum |
by Eric Morrison |
The Power of the Bitch
I recently watched one of my favorite films, Stephen King's Dolores Claiborne. It's a suspenseful, empowering, feminist story. The lead character of Dolores, played by the incomparable Kathy Bates, is married to an alcoholic, physically and emotionally abusive husband. Dolores works as a maid for a wealthy, snobbish socialite, Vera Donovan, who has a reputation for being a real piece of work. Upon discovering that her husband has begun molesting their teenage daughter, and that he has stolen the money she has worked years to save for her daughter's college education, Dolores turns to her employer for advice. Shockingly, Vera advises Dolores to kill her husbandjust as she did when she learned that her inattentive husband was cheating on her. "It's a depressingly masculine world we live in," Vera advises Dolores. "Sometimes, you've got to be a high-riding bitch to survive. Sometimes, Dolores, being a bitch is all a woman's got to hang onto." The storyline probes the question, how does a woman protect herself and her family when she has no options, no choices, no money or power of her own? Dolores decides to take Vera's advice and take control, for the sake of herself and her daughter. You don't feel sorry about the fate of her rat-bastard of a husband. For an example of how a powerful woman can be labeled a bitch, look no further than the current Presidential contest and one of the leading Democratic nominees, Senator Hillary Clinton. Although Hillary is adamant about sticking to the issues and not succumbing to a media who wants to label her "the female candidate," Hillary's detractors can't seem to leave the gender issue alone. For months, she was criticized as a cold, calculating bitch. My brother, who worships at the Rush Limbaugh political altar, recently called her a "frigid bitch." A Google search of "Hillary Clinton bitch" yields a whopping 349,000 results. Hillary's candor, tenacity, and sometimes stoic viewpoints are the very characteristics that would earn her great admiration were she a male politician, a male manager, or a male CEO. But because she is female, she is held to some strange standard that says she must be dominant and docile at the same time. When she teared-up at a January campaign stop, I thought it might pacify some of her critics. Instead, Hillary was criticized for being calculating, manipulative, and weak. Sadly, Hillary has to manage her image in an amazingly detailed way and conquer challenges no male Presidential candidate has ever, or will ever, face. In my opinion, that is what makes some women into "high-riding bitches," to quote Vera Donovan. Expectations of women change with the wind and, too often, women can satisfy no one, no matter what they do, what they say, how they say it, or how they act. A man is "tough," but a woman is "hard." A man is "rational," but a woman is "unfeeling." A man is "smart," but a woman is "calculating." What's a girl to do? Some women, like Dolores Claiborne and Vera Donovan, become frustrated with this double-standard, say "to hell with it," and do just as they damned well please. I applaud these women. Growing up, I remember thinking sometimes what a bitch my mother could be. At that time, in my mind, the term wasn't a compliment. But today, to me, it is. My mother would say that she had to be a bitch to get anything accomplished. If she wanted my father to help around the house, too often, asking nicely wasn't enough. If she wanted my brother or me to clean our rooms, a friendly reminder just didn't get the job done. And now that I am a big girl myself, I thank her for that. Many gay men and lesbians understand this bitch philosophy all too well. We play the bitch card because we have to, not usually because we want to. All too often, we find ourselves in almost untenable situations where there's nothing left to do but be a bitch. In college, I often walked down Main Street where mullet-wearing "townies" would sometimes drive by slowly and yell "faggot" or some other hate-filled epithet out the window. The first few times this happened, I ignored them, but after I while, I got to feeling that I'd rather have a stick or stone hurled at me than an ugly word. You'd certainly fight back if someone beat your head with a stick. Why not fight back when someone beats your spirit with a word? So I fought back with bitchy words of my own. When we are told that we cannot visit our partners in the hospital, when we are told that we cannot adopt children in desperate need of a loving home, when we are told that civil unions are good enough and shoved backwards in time to a place of "separate but equal," being a bitch is all we have left to hang onto. Were it not for a gaggle of bitchy drag queens at Stonewall during that fateful summer of 1969, where would we be today? We'd still be bitching in smoky bars, waiting for the sirens to announce the next police raid, instead of bitching on television, in newspapers, in books, and on the floor of Congress. All this being said, I am not usually bitchyonly when circumstances require my inner bitch to rear her fabulous head. We've all known women and men who have permanently donned the role of bitch, and they complain and berate constantly through their miserable life, to their own detriment and the detriment of everyone around them. Bringing out your inner bitch is a powerful statement of resilience and determination, and like that little black dress that makes you look smokin' hot, she should not be pulled out for just any occasion. Allowing your inner bitch to take over your everyday character leads to bitterness, resentment, and hostility, and makes you less effective when you really need to hold someone's feet to the fire. A little bit of bitch goes a long way. Use it sparingly, but don't be afraid to use it when you find yourself backed into a corner and running out of options. Never released your inner bitch? Start small so you don't experience a total meltdown. Shout back at loud-mouthed conservatives on the TV screen. Write a letter to the Presidential candidates, inquiring why not a single one of them supports full same-sex marriage rights. Throw a dirty look at the man trying to sneak through the grocery store express lane with 17 items. Take it from Dolores and Verayou'll feel a whole lot better. Eric can be reached at anitamann@comcast.net. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 18, No. 01 February 08, 2008 |