LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth

High CAMP

Before McCain reached the magic delegate number, Huckabee found Jesus and lost a hundred pounds. But since Jesus will only save certain people, he spends his newly-svelte days melting conservative hearts with hot rhetoric.

But...be still our collective hearts...he still loves us just like a Christian should. Oh, great. Just what we neededa hucka hucka burning homo love from an affable goofy Gomer-on-Prozac. He claims he doesn't do math. He only does miracles. Poppycock! He subtracts a whole segment of the population in one fell swoop. And he will one day stain the constitution if we aren't vigilant.

For those of us who have had a political "thing" for Bill Clinton of Arkansas, what a difference a "guv" makes. Bubba hugged the Davids (Mixner and Geffen) and triedI still give him credit for tryingto gain us some ground. Gomer, on the other hand, would have hustled the homos with HIV into quarantine butoh by the way, he would still take donations from the Log Cabin Republicans. Let's see, that's tantamount to saying, "Go behind that barbed wire fence and get registered and let me rock your world by preaching a hateful end to your life. Then write me a check, wouldja?" Sad to say some would. I don't care that he's a long shot. The specter of Huckabee in the big house would be worse than having a sitting vice president with an openly gay daughter who lets his party take pot shots at her. But out in the hunting fields, Papa Cheney only shoots quail and an occasional lawyer.

Huckabee shoots ducks, fries squirrels and sics the dogs on us. And there are people in log cabins who consider giving him money. I want their names.

Did you read the story about his lovely wife Janet Huckabee checking in to Hooters in Vegas? Do you think I could make that up? I'm as serious as Rush Limbaugh in a drug market. Lady Huckabee had to attend something very important in Vegas and everything was sold out so she headed to Hooters. Don't they have some divine connections? Isn't there an "Accommodations by the Almighty" hotline they can call to avoid such tawdry images? And why oh why couldn't someone in the Vegas media market have written the headline HUCKABEE SHOWS (up at) HOOTERS! I'd buy that issue. The woman with Janet Reno's sense of style and Bay Buchanan's sense of place stands behind her man in every photo opusually involving a lasso, a horse shoe and a smiling preacher. No visible hooters.

But let's face itat least Huckabee is honest and consistent about his narrow mindedness. He's as predictable a candidate as you can find and he drives a straight and narrow line when he judges our lives. Other candidates performed contortions. Yes, Mitt quit. Sure, Rudy rolled. But before they did, they gave us whiplash with their swift U turns. Mitt wanted us in Mass and ditched us in Iowa. The GQ gentleman who could have gone left of Senator Teddy Kennedy went to the right of the entire field. Did you hear the tires screeching? How about the homos who helped him become governor?

Meanwhile, Rudy walked the Gay Pride Parade with us, then headed to NASCAR to talk to "real Americans"a place where the tooth-to-people ratio is really scarybut Republican voters are en masse. "You've painted up your lips and rolled and curled your tinted hair Rudy are you contemplating going out somewhere?"

Well, RudyRuPaul wants her outfits back. And the gay couple you lived with wants their keys back. Liar, liar pantyhose on fire! You didn't lose because of the dress, Rudy. You lost because you had no foundationno foundation in principle and bad foundation in pancake and garments. At least Gomer stays true toand grounded inhis gay-bashing. No more campy cross-dressing kissy-kissy metrosexual bullshit while slipping a knife in our backs, you creep. When you marry wife #4 and stay in a party that preaches the one man one woman gospel you deserve what you get. NEVER EVER FORGET WHAT ROMNEY AND RUDY DID TO US BEFORE THEY GOT OUT.

And then there was one. One elephant in the room. One former POW who's pretty much MIA on our issues thus far. It remains to be seen whether John McCain will wield the bashing bat. He said the Falwell wing was wacky eight years ago, but then he kissed all their rings this go round. The radio ranters on the right are introducing him at every campaign stop along the way. But if elected (my hands tremble at the typing of it)would McMaverick, in fact "take James Dobson off of the White House speed dial" as the Log Cabin apologists promise? Or will Preacher Mike have his ear and sing the hucka hucka burning love diddyleading all the way down a primrose path that will stain the constitution on the issue of marriage? The primrose path started as a cutting of poison ivy planted next to a log cabin.

But I don't care, because if this national nightmare happens, I'll be in Canada. Calgary, take me away.

Brent Mundt makes a living in Washington and a life in Rehoboth Beach.

LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 18, No. 02 March 07, 2008