LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth |
Gay 'n Gray |
by John D. Siegfried |
Gay Grandparent's Day
Spring brings an onslaught of special days. Mother's Day and Father's Day lead the list but there's Children's Day, Secretary's Day, Boss' Day, Pink Elephant Day and Lord only knows what other special days may come along if Hallmark has its way. There's even a Grandparent's Day but that doesn't arrive until September 7th. In the meantime consideration should be given to establishing a special day for gay grandparents. They're unique to say the least. I was reminded of that on my annual spring pilgrimage to Philadelphia several weeks ago. Straight friends, who are my generous hosts, always have a pile of newspaper clippings on my pillow in the guest bedroom when I come to visit. There are obituaries, city council catastrophes, garden club events and general articles they think I'll be interested in. In the stack on my recent visit was a clipping from the February 3, 2008 Philadelphia Inquirer titled "The Grandparents Are Out." It recounted the experience of several Delaware Valley gay and lesbian couples who were in traditional marriages in the 60s and 70s, discovered or acknowledged their homosexuality after the event, had children and are now grandparentsbut in same sex relationships. Except for the fact that I married in the mid-fifties, I fit that template. I came out to my wife early in our relationship but I never called myself "gay." In the mid-fifties gay still meant happy or frivolous, not homosexual. I came out to our three children when they were in their mid to late teens but I've never come out to my grandchildren. There's been no need for that. The oldest two of my five grandchildren, Audrey and Jake, made their first visit to stay with their gay grandpa and his partner when Jake was nine and Audrey was ten. I showed them the guest bedroom in our condo just off Wisconsin Avenue in the District, and Audrey asked, "Is this where you sleep, Granpa?" "No. I sleep in the big bedroom with Howard," was my honest response. Nothing more had to be said. Her question was honestly answered and they've known Papa John and Howard are partners ever since. Their most recent visit was to our condo, now in Fort Lauderdale, for spring break. Audrey, 24, teaches in one of D.C.'s worst schools. She arrived with a huge shoulder bag as well as a suitcase on wheels. Proudly she announced that this time she only brought eight pair of shoes. "What under the sun are you doing with eight pair of shoes?" I exclaimed as I watched her unpack. "Well, last year when I came I brought thirteen pair and I realized I didn't need that many." I suppose I should have offered congratulations but I simply shook my head in disbelief and kept silent. Her brother arrived from Connecticut the following day and Jake, 22, came with a small backpack only partially filled. Fortunately, these two get along with each other well, and always have, so it was a genuine pleasure to play host and to catch up on their lives. It also was a pleasure to see Audrey dive into her treasure trove of clothes and leave our condo looking like a Vogue model even when she was headed to the grocery store. But not all gay parents and grandparents get off that easily. While in the Philadelphia area, I also visited with a lesbian couple in their sixties. They are still conflicted about coming out to their children, much less their grandchildren. Sally has three adult children and is out to one but not the other two. Diane has a mid-thirties son who is aware of his mother's living arrangement and has visited Diane and her partner on numerous occasions, but there has never been a discussion of the lesbian relationship of the two women between mother and son. Furthermore, Diane doesn't want to have that discussion. "What do you think we should do, John?" was their sincere question after supper one evening. "You know how valuable free advice is," I smirked. "You get what you pay for." "Well, we've paid a high price in internal turmoil and sometimes in disagreements between the two of us. We still aren't sure that we're doing the right thing." "Diane, in my experience the most important reason for any gay man or lesbian to come out to family members is if the internal turmoil you feel forces you out of your closet. It's really a matter of 'peace of mind.' A second legitimate reason is if you are asked a direct question." "There are a lot of reasons I don't want to address this issue with my son," Diane confided. "Then don't. But if he asks you, answer him honestly. I've met Brad and he's a smart kid." "He's mid-thirties now so "kid" hardly applies." "If he hasn't figured things out by this time, he never will. My guess is that he knows as much as he wants to know about your relationship with Sally." "He's never asked me a direct question." "And he won't, unless you bring up the subject first. He's picked up enough signals and unspoken communications over the years to know that this isn't a comfortable subject for the two of you to discuss. So, unless you give permission, by mentioning your lesbian relationship to him, he'll not ask. But if he doesbe honest. Otherwise you destroy your relationship with your son." These aren't issues that straight grandparents must deal with. I'm sure there must be others equally perplexing for straights, but how would I know. I've never been a straight grandparent. And I don't need to wait until September 7 to celebrate grandparents day. I don't really need a special day of recognition at all. I had my day when I took each of my grandchildren to the airport to catch their separate flights and felt the strength of their hugs, saw the mist in their eyes and heard them say with great conviction, "GrandpaI love you sooo much," I was delighted and proud to be a gay grandpa.John Siegfried, a former Rehoboth resident who now lives in Ft. Lauderdale, maintains strong ties to our community and can be reached at hsajds@aol.com. |
LETTERS From CAMP Rehoboth, Vol. 18, No. 06 May 30, 2008 |