Dealing with Nosy Neighbors
Dear Dr. Hurd,
My boyfriend and I live in a condo here in town. Things have gotten a little out of hand with a straight neighbor of ours who “drops in” unannounced and expects us to be instantly available to talk to him. We are stressed that our “alone time” together could be interrupted at any moment by the doorbell. In addition, his wife has started acting resentful towards us because her husband wants to spend so much time with us, and not with her—and we don’t even want him here! Is there any way to salvage this?
Dr. Hurd replies:
Important Life Rule #1: Always assume people know what they’re doing. Why? Because they do. (If they don’t, their problems are bigger than just having their feelings hurt.) Your neighbor’s sexual orientation isn’t the main point here. His imposing on you is. You obviously know that already, but you wrote me anyway for validation. Consider yourself validated.
I am not an advocate of “dropping in.” Your time belongs to you. Period. It’s presumptuous for anybody to assume that you instantly have free time without an invitation or even any warning. Don’t feel guilty for being annoyed with your “dropper-inner.” You are not obligated to be nice on command.
Here’s some emotional ammunition to do what has to be done: Ask your neighbor to please not drop by unannounced. That’s the direct and most honest approach. There’s also an indirect approach that will take longer: Simply don’t answer the door when he rings. Eventually, he’ll either stop dropping by or he’ll ask you, “Why don’t you answer when I ring the bell?” That’s your golden opportunity to say, “Well, we don’t answer when it’s inconvenient to have guests.” If he doesn’t get the message, then in all honesty he deserves whatever you say next.
We’re all entitled to our time, our minds and our bodies. These belong only to us, and nobody has the right to impose. Don’t feel guilty for honoring this fact. (By the way, your neighbor has the same right—to his own time, though, not to yours.) If you don’t agree, or you think my advice is “mean,” then by all means let your neighbor impose on you whenever he feels like it.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
I’ve always had a tendency to “overdo” things. My girlfriend calls it an “addictive personality.” I call it “fun.” Whatever you call it, she harps on me all the time to control some of my habits (most legal, some maybe not-quite-so-legal). I understand that she’s worried about me, and I love her, but her wanting me to give up these things doesn’t seem to be enough to motivate me. I can (and do) “cut back” when she gets mad and threatens to leave me, but then it’s back to the same old thing after the dust settles. Shouldn’t I be able to stop doing these things for her sake? Maybe I don’t love her as much as I thought.
Dr. Hurd replies:
None of us can (or should) change what we do just because someone else wants us to. We can only change a behavior when it makes logical sense to do so.
Most behaviors are optional, and different things appeal to different people. But you shouldn’t change something you like doing (or the amount of time you spend on it) simply because your girlfriend wants you to. You might think that you will, or that you should, but…well, you see how that’s worked out for you so far, right?
In the mental health profession we call things “addictive” if they interfere with your basic life functioning. Unless (or until) that happens, your girlfriend isn’t entitled to say you’re “addicted” simply because she wishes you’d spent less time doing one thing and more time doing another. She is entitled to say, “I’d love to spend more time doing such-and-such with you. Are you willing?” I know, I know: People don’t usually talk to one other this way. Why do you think so many couples don’t get along very well?
Your girlfriend shouldn’t be making threats unless she’s serious, i.e., if something is a deal breaker for the relationship. If she’s not in the habit of making empty threats, you’ll be inclined to believe her. But if she uses threats to change you because of her own personal preference, then in all honesty she’s abusing the trust and respect you’re supposed to have for each other. That’s a relationship no-no and it adds to the accumulation of ill will that can eventually cause a breakup.
If you do agree with her that you’re over-indulging in something that could be destructive, then you should change for your own sake. She’ll benefit from it as well, and that’s fine. But it’s a mistake to motivate yourself by a “should” rather than by an objective reason that makes sense to you too.
Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist, life coach and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email your questions or comments to DrHurd@DrHurd.com.