Making Friends On Your Terms
Dear Dr. Hurd,
I recently moved here to Rehoboth Beach. I’m reasonably attractive and had lots of women-friends where I used to live. I don’t know whether it’s them or me, but when I go to the local bars frequented by women, everybody seems so standoffish. A lot of them are either paired-up or travel in “cliques.” It’s intimidating to approach such a group. The ones who are friendly end up being vacationers only interested in a physical hookup. The whole thing’s making me uptight and unhappy. I didn’t come here to be a hermit.
Dr. Hurd replies:
People frequently tell me that bars are the worst places to meet people. Whether that’s true or not, there are other ways to connect. You can visit websites that could help you get acquainted with locals. Another great way to meet people with similar interests is to volunteer for a local charity that interests you.
Making friends is a type of networking. You meet one person. She introduces you to another. When you see her again, she casually introduces you to someone else. And so on. Dry periods can alternate with “magical” moments when you meet a woman you like. You have to give it time to play out.
You mentioned that everyone travels in cliques. Be careful not to mind-read or falsely generalize! Cliques are made up of individuals, and some may be more dedicated to the clique than others. Don’t assume that everyone in the group feels the same way. Sometimes people in cliques act disinterested, but when you see them outside of the group, they’re friendly and outgoing. In short, persist.
You said that you’re feeling uptight. Think about how that affects your body language, your facial expression and your willingness to approach others. In fact, you could be the one coming off as unapproachable.
You made a brave choice to move to a new area, and you deserve credit for it. But that choice commits you to being outgoing and determined. Those traits may or may not be in your “comfort zone,” but you’re going to have to adopt them if you don’t want to be a hermit.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
My boyfriend and I are in our mid-20s. We recently bought a vacation home here and are staying for the summer. Needless to say, we’re having lots of fun. In fact, my boyfriend is having a little too much fun: He’s gained 20 pounds (and counting!). He loves the socializing—and the chowing-down that goes with it. Honestly, the prospect of having sex with him is becoming a turn-off, and that makes me sad. I’ve tried to bring up the subject, but he angrily shuts me down. I love him, but I also love the both of us looking hot when we go out. I don’t want to hurt his feelings. What to do?
Dr. Hurd replies:
In situations such as this, I suggest a “cost-benefit analysis,” i.e., what are the costs vs. the benefits of hurting his feelings? Make a list of the pros and cons, and then decide which bring the most advantage. Face it: You’re going to hurt his feelings one way or another unless you get more direct with him.
The “pros” side of your list might include points like:
1. “His hurt feelings will result in more respect for me speaking my mind, especially since we both know I’m right.”
2. “He’ll end up feeling safer with me emotionally, because he can count on me to persist when he brushes me off.”
3. “His hurt feelings will save him confusion as to why I’m backing away from him sexually.”
The “cons” side of your analysis could include,
1. “He’ll be angry and upset, and might say hurtful things.”
2. “I might say unkind things in return. That could drive us apart and make communication even harder.”
Sometimes you have no choice but to hurt a loved one’s feelings. The fact that he gets angry proves that he’s defensive and doesn’t want to think about it. He leaves you no other option but to tell him that it’s a turnoff to watch him get fat. Say that you don’t mean to hurt his feelings, and you’d love to choose your words more sensitively, but whenever you try, he cuts you off. Sometimes you have to use powerful language to get a person’s attention. Not only is that OK, it’s the only way you can respond to his angry reaction.
You can also try quiet resistance. Refuse to eat big dinners with him. Set an example by working to maintain your ideal weight. Make yourself exceptionally attractive, weight-wise. I realize you like to be with a guy who looks good, but how he looks is ultimately up to him, not you. You might inspire him by looking great while he continues to plump up. A little healthy competition never hurt anybody.
Michael J. Hurd, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist, life coach and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email your questions or comments to DrHurd@DrHurd.com.