To Tell or Not to Tell
Dear Dr. Hurd,
My long-time friend from high school has been in a committed relationship for about ten years. Several weeks ago I saw her girlfriend in a restaurant with another woman. It was obviously an intimate moment. I’ve been trying to rationalize it away, and then I saw her partner again last weekend—with the same woman—holding hands on the beach. I know my friend will be heartbroken, and could end up mad at me for telling her, but I feel like I just have to say something.
Dr. Hurd replies,
Ask yourself this question: What would you want done if your partner were cheating on you? This will help you act with integrity, in that you’ll know that whatever you do, you believed it was the right thing. Most people go wrong with moral dilemmas because they try to figure out what the other person would want them to do. That’s not possible, since you’re not the other person. The only way you’ll know for sure is when everything finally comes out in the open.
If it were me, I’d want to be told. Knowledge is power, and it’s better to know than not to know. I’d appreciate your actions as those of a good friend, and I wouldn’t “shoot the messenger” by confusing my hurt or anger toward my cheating partner with my feelings toward you. Will your friend react this way? There’s no way to predict that. So, as I said, do what you think is right and what you would want done if you were her.
But be careful! If you decide to tell her what you know, tell her only what you know. Don’t editorialize. Let her draw her own conclusions. Phrasing is everything. Instead of saying, “Your girlfriend is having an affair,” say, “I saw your girlfriend with someone else, and this is what I saw them doing.” Respect her by reporting the facts, and only the facts, in a gentle and sensitive way. It’s her job to draw the conclusions, not yours. Though it does seem obvious that something is going on (the psychological term would be “hanky-panky”), your friend will need the space to accept it in her own way.
By the way, if you do decide to tell her, your friendship with her cheating partner will most likely end. In my opinion, that’s no great loss.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
I’m in my early 60s. For the last 22 years, my boyfriend and I (he’s 19 years my junior) lived happily together in Provincetown. That is, until he died unexpectedly. I am simply devastated. (It’s hard to even type this.) I moved to Rehoboth Beach in an attempt to get away from the memories, but it’s not working. I’m sad all the time and see no prospect for improvement. Please help me.
Dr. Hurd replies,
I’m sorry for your loss. Something of this magnitude leaves a huge void in your life. Every individual is unique, and no one person you loved can ever be replaced. What you had with your boyfriend you will never have with anybody else. Though you’ll always grieve his absence, it’s important to realize that it doesn’t mean there’s no prospect for improvement. Life can, and will, go on—but in a different way. The loss of your relationship doesn’t imply that there can’t be new friends and future happiness.
Hopefully you moved to Rehoboth Beach because that’s where you want to live. Sometimes, in grief, people make a move for the wrong reasons. The right reason is to make a fresh start. You cannot (and should not) try to escape from the memories. They are all you have left of the years with your partner—and they are everything! You will always embrace those experiences while you strive to bring new ones into your life.
Though you shouldn’t run away from your grief, it can’t continue to be the only thing you think about. As a start, try to spend an hour every day focusing on something not related to your grief. You’ll only be able to do it for a short time at first, and it will be difficult. Eventually, it will get easier and you’ll be able to do it for a longer time. A skilled psychotherapist who is a good match for your personality can also help. He or she can “coach” you with the kind of things I’m suggesting. After a devastating loss, people need continuity and stability, and a therapist can sometimes be, quite literally, a life saver.
Don’t short-circuit your recovery by assuming that things won’t get better. They can, and will, if you persist. Life will never be the same, but over time, new memories, new possibilities (and maybe even a new love) await you out there—if you will allow them to happen.
Dr. Michael J. Hurd is a psychotherapist, life coach and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email your questions or comments to DrHurd@DrHurd.com.