Are Wii or Are Wii Not Fit?
Sally Field can drink Boniva to strengthen her bones but I’m drinking beer.
It’s been a weird winter all right, and just one of the strange things to come out of it was a University of California study revealing that beer is a rich source of something called silicon (as opposed to silicone for the boobs) which increases bone density and helps prevent osteoporosis. Hand me a Yuengling.
So I’m guzzling my health drink and marveling at the creative ways we managed to survive this terrible, terrible winter. Not that the Snowpocalypse didn’t take its toll. Around Rehoboth, where the snow removal policy is “The Lord Giveth, the Lord Taketh Away,” we were house-bound so many days even the dogs got sick of lying on the sofa. They say killer whales get stir-crazy in captivity, but they have nothing on me. The snow was as high as an elephant’s eye, yet I was willing to risk a triple lutz in the street to get to Cloud 9 for a martini; I was eager to chance the driveway luge track to fight for my right to toilet paper at Food Lion; my god, I was even anxious to scoop pup poop in the back yard, only it was covered by 28 inches of snow.
“It’s 14 degrees out. You’re staying put,” said my spouse. “Let’s do Wii Fit training. “
I don’t know if you are aware of this sadistic gym video or not, but you turn on the TV, put the disk into the machine and stand on a wireless plastic platform to get weighed. Within seconds a snarky cartoon character tells you your weight and body mass index. Like I wanted to know. What’s worse, the little animation then says, out loud, in a judgmental voice, “You’re obese.”
What do you say to that? Stunned, I muttered, “Gee, thanks. Are you aware I’ve already lost 25 pounds since summer?” Apparently not. According to Wii Fit, we (the Royal We) are not fit.
Furthermore, after a couple of balance and aerobic tests the blasted cartoon informs me that my fit age is 65, which would be fine if I was 85. It would also be fine if I could get Medicare. But noooo, there is no justice. Having a computer-generated nudnick tell you your body is four years older than your actual age is highly mortifying. Not only am I stir crazy like Orca, I weigh just as much.
Not to be deterred by humiliation, I spent much of my house time trying to get my numbers down. Among others, I tried a Wii game where you run up and down in place, propelling a cartoon bicycle around a cartoon bike route. Much like my real pedaling prowess, I ran into walls and fell off a lot but the virtual version hurts less.
I also tried games where I hit soccer balls with my head and did aerobics with a class full of cartoon competitors, none of whom were panting and gasping for air as much as I was. Wii are not fit, indeed.
However, I’m happy to report that by the last week, my numbers were actually coming down, along with my cartoon age. I’m now just a baby whale. Actually, I’ve come to love the Wii Fit and for the first time in my entire life I am exercising. Amazing what a little animated peer pressure can do.
Also, barometric pressure. As the weather got worse, temperatures teetering between 20 and 37 degrees, we all got to stay home some more and watch the Olympics. It’s a shame we couldn’t sell snow to Vancouver where they needed it. Meanwhile, what’s the deal with curling? It’s like a combination of shuffle board and housework, where you fling the granite stone and use the mop and glo to sweep it down court. I could never work up much excitement about the game but it did make me snicker.
I loved watching the ski jump events. The majesty of a young athlete soaring through the air was exhilarating. As luck would have it, there’s a ski jump balance exercise on my Wii Fit too. I’d crouch on the platform in front of the TV, watch the cartoon skier coming down the chute and then quickly straighten my knees (crackle) when I thought I should jump. Wheeeeee!
Most times the cartoon Fay could be seen rolling ass over tea kettle in the snow, but every once in a while I jumped just right and flew like a champ. When I finished, the Wii totaled my score and announced I was “unbalanced.” I’ve heard that before.
When it was passable outside but still not a great idea to go driving hither and yon, we spent several evenings hosting friends or going to friends’ homes. In the old days it was Studio 54 or the Renegade; now it’s Wii bowling in somebody’s living room. Simultaneously, the Tea Baggers and Conservative PAC people were out on the West Coast boozing it up and consorting with call girls while the gay people were all sitting around playing Wii—what’s wrong with this picture?
I do have to ask if there’s a correlation between Wii bowling and the crush of people having rotator cuff surgery. Just sayin’.
One night it was hilarious. After dining on a 2300 calorie dinner, we tried the Wii’s virtual hula hoops to work off 11 calories each. Amid shouts of “Align your pelvis, baby!” and “Work it! Work it! Work it!” the soundtrack recalled days on the disco dance floor. Back then we’d hit Robin Hood for a nightcap. Now we’re lucky it’s not drinking contrast dye before an MRI at Beebe.
Along with the closing ceremonies for the Olympics I know we are all anxious to see the closing ceremonies from this disgustingly cold and blizzard-filled winter. Even our pals who escaped to Florida this season were rewarded with cold feet. It was warmer in Canada. Let’s face it, Spring Fever could be epidemic this year.
Okay, winter, go on now, go walk out the door, just turn around now, ‘cause you’re not welcome anymore, I will survive. Hey, Hey.
As a matter of fact, let’s chill the brew to fight bone loss and get out the summer clothes. They are going to look great, because after all, Wii Fit!
Fay Jacobs is the author of As I Lay Frying—a Rehoboth Beach Memoir and Fried & True—Tales from Rehoboth Beach. Contact her at www.fayjacobs.com.