When Duty Calls
Dear Dr. Hurd,
The awful “sandwich generation” is upon us. My partner and I are trying to help our adult children, and she is the principal custodian for a very ill mother who lives out-of-state. How do we do all this and still meet our own emotional needs as a couple?
Dr. Hurd replies,
The first thing to do is carve out the time the two of you require as a couple. Many people look at loved ones in need and conclude, “I must give them everything.” Time (and money) gets spent on the others, and nothing on oneself. This is all backwards. You first have to decide what’s essential for the two of you.
Make a list and write down the time that you must have for each other as a couple. Let loved ones work around it. It’s non-negotiable! And don’t fall into the trap of thinking, “This is selfish.” I like the analogy of the airplane: When emergency instructions are given, parents are told to first put the oxygen mask on themselves before putting it on their children. Helping others requires taking care of yourself first. You’re helping your loved one because you wish to honor that person’s “selfhood.” Why are they entitled to a self while you’re not? There is no virtue in that.
Recognize the distinction between needs/wants as opposed to genuine emergencies. Is it your intention to provide help through the occasional crisis, or to fulfill every last unmet want or need—no matter how small? It’s all a matter of practical time management. When deciding how much time you and your partner need, remember that there will always be a deficit between what you think you should do and what you’re able to do. You can’t do it all for the loved ones—or for yourself.
And don’t forget to delegate! Perhaps arrange for some professional care. If there are siblings, enlist their help. Whatever choice you make, embrace it and be at peace with it. You can’t lose control of your own life just because people you care about need you. In fact, the people who need you are counting on you to remain in control. Don’t let them—or yourself—down.
Dear Dr. Hurd,
My boyfriend and I have been living together for five years, and we get along fine. But after he has a few drinks at the bars, he all of a sudden becomes “single” again. He ignores me, openly cruises other guys, and struts around as if he’s unattached and available. We always go home together, but the feeling of rejection (not to mention embarrassment in front of our friends) is starting to make me angry.
Dr. Hurd replies,
Alcohol reduces inhibitions. People do things when they’re under the influence that they wouldn’t do while sober. You can tell yourself that “This isn’t really him,” but it will still bother you. You have to be OK with the fact it bothers you before you can talk to him in a constructive way (i.e., giving him the benefit of the doubt). “I know you don’t realize what you’re like after you’ve had a few, but can I tell you?” This may seem overly polite or gentle with someone with whom you’re so familiar, but it’s the best way to initiate nondefensive communication about a sensitive matter. Even your best efforts could still result in defensiveness and hostility, so if he starts to escalate, back off and rethink your strategy.
The next step is to refuse to enable his annoying behavior. If you’re not all that enthused about going out anyway, then tell him to go without you. It will send an important message. Of course, you’ll worry about what he’s going to do without you, but you’re already worried when you go with him. Let him know that you’re so unhappy that you’re refusing to participate in his actions. He might realize that he can’t drink as much if you’re not there to drive him home. He might feel self-conscious without you, since people will probably ask him where you are. The point is to get his attention by showing him, not just telling him, that going out with him just isn’t any fun for you.
Of course, there’s always the possibility of deeper issues. Maybe he does want to break up and be single again, and he only allows himself to act on that when he’s drunk. You said you both end up going home together, so don’t leap to conclusions. But you might gently encourage him to get some therapy to explore what he really feels and wants. Get ready: You might not like the answer he comes up with, but it’s probably better than watching him make a spectacle of himself (and you) in a public setting. Sometimes the best way to love someone is to show that you’re willing to let them go.
Dr. Michael J. Hurd is a psychotherapist, life coach and author. His office can be reached at 302-227-2829. Email your questions or comments to DrHurd@DrHurd.com.